The ABCs of Stauffers' Sleeping (Part I)

As many of you probably know, Josh and I have some very odd and interesting encounters nearly every night as we sleep. We are the absolute worse combination when it comes to sleep because we both do completely ridiculous things and are well known for talking out loud in our sleep. While Josh seems to sleep through even the most bizarre encounters, I am such a light sleeper that I almost instantly wake up to any of his random utterances or odd behaviours as he dreams. There are endless amounts of stories of what’s happened after we both fall asleep but to sum them up, I’ve created the ABCs of sleeping to give a little snapshop of all the shenanigans that go on!

A is for Appreciation. Even though Josh is completely asleep and has no recollection of his words once waking in the morning, he will appreciate and compliment me in his sleep. This happened especially when we first got married and I think it was because his subconcious was just so happy to have me sleeping beside him. I feel this shows a lot about his character because he is amazing in the way of appreciating me every day but I know he’s not just doing it out of obligation because it’s obviously something that is genuine and constantly on his mind (even when he sleeps!). The first few times it happened I thought it was really adorable but it was also a little frustrating because he would wake me up by telling me how much he loves me and how wonderful he thinks I am. Even though I was awake for the next 30 minutes, I was slightly amused and thankful for a husband that loves me so much!

B is for Bathroom Breaks. Almost every single night I get up for a bathroom break, which has become more habitual than necessary. Since getting up wakes me up to the point where I’m a bit more “with it”, I get to observe all the funny things Josh is doing in the middle of his REM cycle.  

C is for Conversation. There have been multiple instances where I wake up in the middle of the night while Josh and I are in the middle of a conversation. I’m quite certain that it’s quite basic and perhaps doesn’t make sense but that’s what happens when you combine two people who consistently talk aloud in their sleep. Can I also mention that they’re not just little mumblings. Oh no, we construct full, and usually coherent, sentences that are stated with as much clarity and conviction as if we were fully awake.

D is for Dancing. Just in the past week I woke to Josh acting out part of his dream so I told him to lay back down and just sleep. He laid down on his stomach and then started to shake his shoulders back and forth. After staring for a few moments with a perplexed expression, I asked him what he was doing. He responded with, “I’m dancing for you Sam!” in a tone that made it seem like his actions were so obvious that he couldn’t believe I was even asking him. I thanked him for the dance but then told him he didn’t need to do it anymore. What a nut!

E is for Elephant. This was the first time I discovered Josh can hold a conversation with me while he sleeps and that I can infiltrate his dreams. I asked him what the best present I could get him would be and he told me it would be an elephant. He then proceeded to tell me he would name it Dog and was upset when I told him it wasn’t practical for me to get him an elephant. I also talked to him about how fun it would be to ride the elephant and how he would love it just because it would make him feel like Aladdin. In the morning one of the first things he said was, “whoa, I had the craziest dream about an elephant!”. I repeated a bit of our conversation and he was shocked that I knew what was going on in his dreams. I felt very devious.

F is for Fire. If you know Josh, you know that he LOVES fire! As a result, it has come up quite a few times in his sleep. One of the most memorable was when he woke me up because he was going, “Mmmmm!”. I asked him what he was eating and he told me it was fire pudding. I asked it if was too hot to eat and he said it was, and it definitely burned on the way down but it was entirely worth it because it was so delicious. He then informed me that after eating fire pudding, it’s important to chase it down with milk in order to soothe the burn.

G is for Giggling. I am fully aware that I wake up laughing but since Josh sleeps so soundly, he’s never awake enough to witness this or inquire into what’s going on in my dreams that’s making me laugh. However, I always ask Josh what’s going on when he wakes me up with his giggling. One of the funniest moments was when I woke up because I had asked a question aloud, to which Josh was responding. I had my back to him and asked with a tone of frustration and exasperation, “What are you saying to me?”. Obviously HE was not suppose to be answering my question because it was intended for the person in my dream! He responded with a giggle and then said, “Oh there you are! I thought you were up here!”. I turned around to see him sitting straight up in the bed looking down at me. It was highly amusing to him that he had gone “up there” to find me but I wasn’t there. I just asked him to lay down and go back to sleep. In the morning he remembered absolutely nothing about this.

H is for Hip-aroni. One night I woke up to Josh kicking his legs under the blankets in what appeared to be intentional intervals. I asked what he was doing and he told me, in an excited voice, that he was using his hiparoni to get the…..and the rest was too mumbly to understand. After saying that he started swinging his hips up in the same intervals. I watched for a few seconds quite perplexed but very amused. He then asked me if I could please use my hiparonis to help him. I gave a few kicks and he enthusiastically replied, “Oh good one! Thanks!”. I inquired into what exactly we were trying to fend off and he told me we were fighting the “Cukeagons”. Hopefully we were successful in his dream because I’ve heard that Cukeagons can be some lethal fiends!

I is for Icecream. One night Josh was listing off about five things he was convinced would make the best breakfast ever! He had a very obscure list (which is explained more in the next paragraph) and I wasn’t entirely convinced it was what made up the best breakfast, at least from what I know about awake Josh. I told him that he was missing icecream from the list. He gave an “mmmm” and said that icecream would help make the BEST breakfast ever! I said something along the lines of “well maybe you should have those things for breakfast tomorrow morning”. He said, “You can’t tell Sam though because she wouldn’t like me eating icecream for breakfast.” I laughed and informed him that I was Sam. He just giggled and said, “Ooops!”. Apparently my healthy eating habits dominate even his subconscious!

J is for Jump Rope. While listing off his ideal breakfast, Josh included “double dutch” as one the ingredients. Until this point, everything was making sense, “Waffles, peanut butter, strawberries…” and then he goes and throws in double dutch. I asked what double dutch was and he didn’t know anything more than that it was a delicious part of the ideal breakfast. Since he didn’t have an explanation, I told him that I thought double dutch was something to do with jump rope, not with breakfast. He literally whined as he responded with “No! It’s breakfast!”. I tried explaining how you can double dutch with jump rope but he wouldn’t have any of it and was quite offended that I would doubt double dutch was a part of breakfast!

K is for Kicking. While Josh has many, many odd sleep habits, I’m thankful that he’s not a kicker. I, however, cannot say the same about myself. Thankfully up to this point I have yet to kick Josh in my sleep. However, I have had many dreams about battling some bad guy or fighting with someone and I wake up doing a full out kick, usually off the side of the bed. If the blankets didn’t function as such an effective restraint, I guarantee Josh would have been victim of my dream-induced kicking.

L is for Lighter. A few weeks ago Josh woke me up because he was lighting a lighter that had been left on his nightstand after lighting 20 candles in our room to warm it up while the furnace was broken. I asked what he was doing (as you can tell this is a reoccurring process), and he told me he was, “just lighting shumshing.” Well that voice told me that he was definitely not awake. After inquiring further and realizing the hazard of his possession of the lighter while in this state, I asked him if I could have the lighter. He asked, “Why?!”. I thought since he was asleep I could get away with saying that it was because I wanted to light something too. He suspiciously responded with, “What do YOU want to light???”. Undecided whether he was actually awake or asleep at this point, I told him, “Honestly, I’m just concerned that you’re lighting a lighter when you’re not awake.” He quickly responded with, “But I AM awake!....At least I think I am….”. With that I just asked politely and somewhat pleadingly for the lighter. He rolled over, lighter still in hand and passed it over to me with a “Fine. ‘sigh’. “No more lighters beside Josh when he goes to sleep!