The Day Everything Changed.

Photo Credit: LaPrimaDonna (Creative Commons)

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned that the weeks and months have gone by so quickly. I honestly couldn't relate to this feeling because, for me, this past year has seem to go by excruciatingly slowly. When days are filled with grief, pain, hardships, and a whole lot of personal growth, time doesn't rapidly turn into weeks and months; rather, it gets broken down into hours and minutes that seem like they will last forever. This is what much of the past year has been like for us.

A year ago today marks the day that everything in our world changed. In a moment we went from being expectant parents to being childless parents. From a couple with the greatest hopes and dreams for our baby, to a couple forced to accept that we would never see any of these come to fruition. From knowing the joy of new life growing within, to experiencing that same life being so quickly and involuntarily taken away. Since the loss of our first baby, we have experienced a subsequent pregnancy loss along with the disappointment of being denied approval as a foster care home after months of being highly invested and advanced in the process.

If it was up to me, this wouldn't have been how things unfolded. It's hard to believe that a year later now, we are still childless parents. This is certainly not a role you expect to find yourself in when you think of starting a family! However, this is our reality, it is part of our story and, regretfully, there is nothing we can do to go back and re-write it. What we have been able to do is determine how we allow it to shape the parts of our story that have yet to unfold. If you'd allow me, I'd like to share just a few of the many things we have learned through this journey.

The saying "you won't be given more than you can handle" is a lie. 

I guess it depends on how you define "handle". There have been moments where the only evidence of me being able to "handle" things was simply the fact I was still alive. Beyond that, it was as if every part of me inside was completely ripped apart because, the reality was, it was more than I could handle. When the pain seems unending and the notion of hope seems unreachable, this unfounded promise provides little comfort. What I found more helpful was to know that this kind of heart-wrenching pain and deadness of spirit is a real experience that needs to run its course. There is value in not only affirming the current experience (as awful as it might be) but also partnering that with the hope that it won't always be like this.

This experience has made me a better parent

This is a weird concept especially considering that we don't have any kids to parent at this time. However, I know that through this experience we have gained skills and understanding that will make us better parents when the time does come. We will not only value the lives of our future babies that much more because of this, but we have also grown individually and as a couple in huge ways that will contribute positively to the lives of our children. We certainly would have done a decent job without having gone through this experience but we now have skills and knowledge that we could not have gained any other way. In particular, we have learned that being a parent isn't about bringing fulfillment to us. We wouldn't have reflected on this concept if we hadn't been challenged through this specific journey. I believe that if I can't be happy without a baby, I'm not going to be happy just because I have a baby. This journey has given us the chance to look within ourselves and get centered first so that we truly be fulfilled individuals that can then offer wholeness to our future children. We never expected a baby to fulfill us or to complete our lives but in our decision making after each loss, we have had to honestly question our motives: do we just want to have a baby to make us feel better and fulfilled or do we want to have a baby because we have prepared a healthy environment for them to thrive in? In no way have we arrived at the pinnacle of everything we have to offer as parents, but I do recognize that we have gained a lot in this experience that I am thankful we can now offer to our future children.

Grief and loss is a journey that you have to go through

What I mean by this is there is no short-cut, easy way to experience grief and loss. Unless you fully journey through it, in all the misery and pain that includes, you are losing out on the one positive thing that can come from an otherwise awful experience. I have seen it's possible to do whatever it takes to put it behind you and just "get over it" but I don't actually believe this accomplishes anything other than allowing things to compound in the background over time.

It's ok to be sad

This sounds obvious when it's put like that but I challenge you to consider how you might have suggested otherwise to someone, or to yourself, in the midst of grief. Sometimes sadness gets mistaken for weakness, emotional unhealthiness, just overall not dealing with things well (whatever that means...), etc. If I show sadness it's because what I have gone through is sad. And guess what, a year later, it's still sad! How can losing a child ever not stop being sad? That's why tears occasionally trickle down my cheeks while I write this, or why seeing a new mom hold their baby evokes a pain inside as I remember I don't get to hold mine, or why I tear up a little bit when people ask when we're going to have kids. These are not at all a reflection of how I'm doing, my strength, or ability in dealing with what I've experienced. It is however a reflection that I have and am dealing with these losses because I am confronting the reality that it is, in fact, sad. These sad moments use to hit me like a train over and over again every single day. Now, they are less severe but are none the lest part of my regular experience and I expect they always will be. I've heard that losing someone is like having a limb amputated. You might go for longer periods where it goes unnoticed because it's become your new normal but there will always be moments when you are aware of the loss. My own pride and a fear of being perceived as weak are reasons why I won't always show the sadness on the outside. However, it's also because I worry others will misunderstand my sadness for something negative when, in reality, it's an important part of me being in a healthy place!

Theses are just a few of the many things that I could share with you about what I have taken away from what we have experienced in the past year. You don't have to agree with all of them but maybe it helps you understand a bit of what we have walked through. If you ever want to hear more, we are always open to sharing if it would be of value to you.

When I was a kid, I thought things could only get easier. I had no idea how hard life could be and, even after going through all this, I'm still surprised at how difficult it can be! However, I can testify to the fact that hardship is just for a season and that there is hope in the end. It is that hope that we keep holding on to and that hope you are able to hold to in the midst of great challenges.

The Reason I Wear a Poppy

Image from here, which has a interesting article about rosemary as a symbol of remembrance

It's that time of year again when poppies have made their way onto store counter tops, pinned to jackets and sweaters of the Canadian public and onto Facebook in the form of images, often with a short caption of remembrance. As I spend the Remembrance Day weekend with my military husband who has just returned from 3 weeks in the field, I wanted to share my own reasons for why I wear a poppy.

As a sometimes overly pragmatic and rational individual, I need to understand the purpose of making a silent statement through a symbol before just picking up a poppy and wearing it because that's what Canadians do around Remembrance Day. In the past few years particularly, I have asked myself why is it meaningful and valuable to wear a poppy? And now, with the introduction of the white poppy, why am I choosing to wear a red poppy? Here are my thoughts on the matter in case you're interested in hearing them:

First off, it's important for me to make it known that I support the military. I don't necessarily agree with all their decisions, procedures and certainly not how they operate on a daily basis but, big picture wise, I support what they do. I'm thankful to live in a country where military efforts are primarily focused on making the world a safer and more-just place for individuals beyond our borders. It's a far from perfect system and I recognize that not all military efforts are altruistic but the bottom line is that we have a military that aims to promote peace, not sabotage it. Through wearing a poppy I want to show that I am in favor of our military and, particularly, of the men, women and their families who give up a great deal to serve our country and our world. As a military wife, seeing someone wearing a poppy makes me thankful that they acknowledge my husband's work, the sacrifice it takes and the people who have come before him in that role.

Related to this point, it's important to me that I wear a poppy for the veterans and their surviving family members who have been directly affected by war and loss. I am thankful it's not me who gets sent overseas and I'm thankful my husband safely returned from his tour in 2011 (wow, that long ago already?). But that's not everyone's story. I want to show my support and respect the families who loss something great so that our country and our world could be a better place. WWII has been over for decades but the legacy of the veterans and the depth of loss that was experienced is still very real today. The ripple effect of lives lost and lives changed through war goes on for generations, which is why remembering veterans of WWI and WWII, as long ago as they may have been, is still relevant.

Now, when it comes to the white poppy, I can't say I'm completely against the concept like some people who have very loudly expressed their opposition. I like peace! I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to. However, the idea that peace is the absence of war and therefore the absence of militaries, is not possible in our broken world. Fact is, people make mistakes and in so long as this is true, I believe we need authority in the form of government, police and, yes, military when human error, poor judgement and selfishness compromises peace. So, while I like the idea of a white poppy and promoting the idea of peace, I don't think it can be a stand alone statement. The white poppy represents what I desire for our world, while the red poppy represents our reality and those who have sacrificed in the pursuit of peace. While both these concepts are important to me year-round, I chose to wear a red poppy during this short season as a small act of expressing its value to me, and pursue the concept of the white poppy through my actions and interactions each day.

Now that I think of it, this is related to something I posted a few years ago. You can check that out here.

-S

Learning to Love Freckles

So freckly! I use to hate this picture just because of that fact. Thanks, Lynae, for the photo!

Hey there. It's been a while since we've just written a blog post for the fun of writing so here goes a shot at it after a long hiatus.

With the much anticipated arrival of spring, and soon summer, I have also welcomed the coming of more freckles to my growing collection. Anyone with freckles can likely testify that one's relationship with their freckles can be quite challenging. I'm happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I'm actually glad to see them flourish in the warm spring sun. It has been quite a long journey to this point that I'm going to recap for my freckled and non-freckled comrades alike.

Many years ago now, there was a time before freckles. Hard to believe now that they've taken up permanent residency on my face and have only exponentially multiplied since. At first it was strange but everyone seemed to be excited that there were brown spots spontaneously appearing on my nose. I was too little to care about what they looked like; more than anything I was perplexed by these strange spots gradually taking over my face. 

For a while they were fun and I didn't mind them, especially in that time before you start worrying what other people think when they look at you. Ever so gradually though I began to resent these ever-increasing spots that rudely appeared without my permission or control. I then started trying to control their spread with sunscreen, thinking that if I applied enough, there was no way the sun could coax more out of my otherwise pale skin. Wrong. 

Many people will remember the classic book, Freckle Juice by Judy Blume. Reading this book was a memorable day in my life because it gave me hope there was a cure! Strange that I held hope in a freckle cure while entirely understanding the fictional nature of this book. However, it planted the idea in my head that might be a way to rid myself of them indefinitely. Now, this is the point where non-freckled people will look perplexed and wonder why anyone would want to get rid of their precious freckles (or at least that's what it has felt like in the past). Here was my perspective at the time: there were brown dots, spots and splotches taking over my face at an overwhelmingly increasing rate. I no longer could remember what my face looked like as a "normal" colour, instead I was stuck looking like pale giraffe. The thought of regaining my "real" face back was a dream that had been sparked by Judy Blume. I set off to research the topic through the most high-tech means I had available at the time: the digital library catalogue at school. I mean, it was a huge step up from the index cards because I could directly put my query into the search bar. Awesome! The memory is a bit cloudy but I seem to remember learning about some sort of chemical compounds that could be applied to remove specific pigmentation from the skin. I didn't care if it permanent burned my skin, I wanted to be free of my freckles!!! 

Fast forward a decade later. My resentment had only increase along with the emergence of new, unwelcomed freckles. It didn't matter how many people told me they were "nice" or "cute", I could not appreciate them in the slightest. 

And then things changed. Honestly, it was probably when I married Josh because he makes it extremely well known how much he loves my freckles. In his mind they have always been an inseparable part of me and therefore he loves them just as much as he loves me (which is a lot!). It took a few years of hearing, on a regular basis, "I love your freckles! They are so beautiful!". After years of rejecting their value and appeal it took quite a while for those words to penetrate my skepticism. Josh has helped me see that if I don't love myself the way I am, the way that Josh loves me, then it's an insult to him because it says he's wrong in loving those things about me. I wouldn't say I'm overly enthusiastic about my freckles, especially while they're still a contributing factor to why people still mistake me for a teenager. However, I have the attitude of: if you can't beat them, join them!

I share this because, while this seems like a silly story of superficial beauty, it was a huge factor that negatively affected my self-image growing up and, today, I'm still shaking the roots of that off.  I'm confident I'm not alone in having those tiny physical "imperfections" (as I understood them to be) wreck havoc on my self-image, which then withers one's self-confidence. I'm so thankful to be at a point in life where I'm not concerned about what other people think about my appearance; there are so many other, authentically important, things in life that are more deserving of my attention and energy. It took a while to get there though. 

What ever your "freckles" are, I hope you can learn to appreciate them or at least neutrally tolerate them. What ever your kids, spouse, friend's "freckles" are, let them know that they're an awesome part of who that person is. What you look like outside doesn't determine or indicate who you are inside but it's a package deal so if you're going to love the person inside, you've got to love the unique package they came in. 

Here are a few classic moments for my freckle friends out there:
That moment when you wonder how you got dirt on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize that it's a freckle; a part of your face.

That moment when you fall asleep on the couch in the sun and wake up with half a face of brilliant freckles and the other half their same, dull colour. 

That moment when you cross your eyes and instead of seeing flesh-tone, you see a brown blob. That would be the freckles.

That moment when you go outside and it feels like your freckles are having a party in sunshine and you just know they're going to be three times darker by the time you go inside.

That moment when you wonder how you got chocolate on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize it's that same freckle you tried to wash away a few days ago.

Receiving Much Through Great Loss

The past few months have been life changing for us and we would like to take the opportunity to share with you a little bit about what we have gained through a most joyous and saddening experience. We believe this experience has been a great gift to us and the best way to honour a gift is to share it with others. So here's our story.

On Thanksgiving we received the greatest gift; the news that we were going to be parents! At first we felt shocked and it took a few days for the news to actually sink in. Right away we went to see a doctor because I wasn't sure if I could continue taking my sleeping pills (aka, my "pills to help me stop dreaming and start sleeping like a normal person"). While at the doctor I asked him over and over again to write me an extra prescription, you know, just in case this wasn't really happening. He thought I was crazy but I just couldn't believe the wonderful gift we had received. It was too good to be true. 

But it was true! 

We were able to share the news with my entire family that day who were as shocked as we were but extremely happy to welcome into the family the first grandbaby and niece/nephew. The hardest thing at that point was trying not to tell the whole world about this reason for great joy in our lives! 

Things were great until the exact day I hit 6 weeks. Another 4 weeks of horrendous nausea then set in but by this time we were beginning to anticipate who our baby would become, the ways we would welcome it into our family and all the hopes and dreams we had for him/her. At this point it was hard to be so extremely happy and excited but to know that anything could happen since it was still a very fragile time for the baby. We were counting down the days until week 12 so that we could finally feel confident that this baby was going to be ours; a part of our family, our first child and the object of all the love we could give them! 

That very day we were anxiously anticipating finally came but our hopes were dampened when we had to make a trip to the hospital emergency because something wasn't quite right. We were reassured and told their wasn't anything we could do for better or for worse except wait it out and hope for the best. The next day we had such a wonderful day together, probably one of the best since me becoming so sick from all the side affects of pregnancy. This day together and with friends was truly a gift because the next day we woke up to the most devastating event of our lives. 

I won't go into detail but it was a long 2 days spent at the hospital. As soon as I woke up that morning I just knew that it was over. The baby was gone; certainly not from our hearts but from this world. Like most awful situations we find ourselves in, it felt like we were living in a nightmare. I just wanted to wake up and have it not be real; to not feel that emptiness of losing someone that I loved so much but never even got to meet. Through the love, support and prayers of our friends and family we made it through those tough days and experienced a peace through it all that was truly beyond what we were capable of cultivating ourselves. 

Now we begin a new chapter of our lives. We will forever be parents of our precious little baby we watched, with hopeful anticipation, grow for 12 weeks but we will wait a lifetime before we get to meet him or her. We want to share this story with you because despite the immense sadness and pain we have experienced through it, we believe that through our baby we have received enormous gifts that, perhaps, we couldn't have received otherwise except through our baby.

As we look back on the events of the past week we realize there is still so much to be thankful amidst the pain. We are thankful for the gift of becoming parents and getting to experience the indescribable love you can have for someone even before you know them. I have never experienced love like this before and even though now it hurts, we are both thankful to have been able to love in this way. 

It's not the ideal situation to bring this to our attention but we are thankful for  all the loving, generous, caring  people who surround us! It's in moments of great joy or great sadness that we are immediately surrounded by a community of those who care dearly for us, ready and willing to support us in any and every way possible! Experiencing this type of relationship is truly what makes life great. 

We are thankful for the care we were given through the health care system and the relieve from work that was generously offered by both our employers. It was such a gift to spend the last week together without having to balance work among the physical and emotional healing that had to take place. In addition to that, my mom came up for a few days to help out and just to be here, which might have been a simple act but helped enormously in Josh and I getting what we need to heal.

We are thankful for the way this baby has brought us closer together. We have never loved each other more than in the moment when we were able to be there for one another as we both experienced deep pain and sadness. The baby has shown us how to love each other more, not because we weren't doing a good job before, but because this experience has increased our capacity for love and has brought us together in doing so. Even though in June we won't be able to hold our baby, like we hoped and dreamed of, we will be able to hold each other and that is a gift. 

I am indescribably thankful for Josh who has been the most amazing man through this entire situation. He has gone to unbelievable efforts to serve me, love me and help me through this emotionally and physically difficult time. He serves me with a generous and loving heart and I know that with him around, I will always be well cared for. This has also been a great comfort to my family who know that Josh is here for me in every way they wish they could be. I am sad that our baby won't grow up with the amazing and awesome dad that I know Josh would have been for our child. However, I trust that he/she knew how much their daddy loves them because Josh made sure to love our baby in every way he could while they were still with us. He made sure to talk to them almost every night, pray for them, and take care of their mom in absolutely every way possible.

I am thankful for the opportunity to better understand people who go through similar situations so that we can offer our help and support to them. Pregnancy loss is actually quite common even with all our medical knowledge and advancements. It's said that around 1 in every 6 pregnancies will end with miscarriage and that's only including losses that occur before 20 weeks. This isn't something we ever wanted to experience but now that we have, we both feel it's important to use our experience to help others. I hated feeling like I had done something wrong and that I was the only person I knew who was going through this, which is, in part, why we want to be open about our experience so that other people know they aren't alone. 

Finally, we are thankful for our faith, which we have turned to especially in our pain and sadness. We know what we believe in and Who we believe in, which is great comfort when your world seems to collapse around you. We believe in prayer and can testify to its work in our lives especially at this time. We can't even describe the ways that we have felt cared for and comforted even in those lonely moments where all you can do is weep. We have experienced a genuine peace through this all, which doesn't mean it was painless and easy, but that in almost every moment we know that it's going to be okay because we are part of a greater plan. We don't believe that God's plan for our life was to make us hurt and suffer. However, we do believe His plan was to care for us and impart great blessing through a horrible situation. We trust that He is caring for our baby in heaven and are thankful that our little one is with Him now because it was what was best for him/her. I would much rather go through this difficult time than have a child who struggles with quality of life because of developmental or health challenges. We wanted the absolute best for our baby and will endure this pain joyfully, knowing that it was what was best for them! 

Thank you for your support, love and prayers at this time. Thank you for journeying with us through this time, even if it was simply through reading this post. What we ask of you now is that you show the same love and support to others going through tough times, just as we were cared for. 

Not all is loss in tragedy but we must be willing to give and receive in order to overcome and help others do the same. Even the greatest loss is part of a bigger plan and it's up to us to see what we can be thankful for and trust despite what we cannot see. -S-

_______________________________________________________________

I don't know what to say after that. Sam is really good with words and being able to express in the way that she has, especially considering what she just went through physically and mentally, is truly amazing. Thank you for everything, for being a part of our lives and for being our friends.  -J-

Sweet Lemons

Click for photo source

It's true. We have taken quite a long blog hiatus, which I'm thinking is something that happens to most bloggers at one point in time or another. But it's official, we're back!

I have spent quite a while trying to think of what to blog about, which is in part why it has taken so long to get a new one up! I've been struggling with the balance between writing an update and being realistic about what the past several months have been like for us without venturing into the realm of online oversharing! The result is summarized in this entry's title: Sweet Lemons....because our life has been a combination of the sweet and the sour.

2012 has been a year of significant growth for us and we're still going strong, which of course is not without pain. We have been working through the dynamics of marriage in the context of sporadic long distance relationship and being at the whim of the military. It often feels like we're functioning in high gear and then have bursts of shifting into overdrive, which is exhausting, straining but certainly gets us where we're going! Since Josh's return last winter we have been trying to get our lives together, which is tough when one member of team Salmon Eye has to go away every once in a while for a month at a time. Josh has been doing lots of training, which is good for his career but has been tough when it comes to us settling into life. We're really working hard not to see his departures are interruptions but to make our life work alongside them. Definitely not something that happens over night! On the positive though it looks like after the next few weeks he spends in Kingston, Ontario, Josh will be around the Edmonton area for the rest of the year. It's the military though so we never see it as a guarantee but that's what we're looking forward to and will make adjustments if necessary.

I guess the best way to sum up what we've been going through is trying to figure out how to function together and alone and then to readily transition between the two. We're doing our best but it's been a tough go with lots of late night conversations, several appearances by Angry Sam and Frustrated Josh, and a lot of asking "What are we going to do?!". Along this tough journey we have constantly found it important to do what we can to see help outside ourselves because, quite honestly, no one can fix things alone. One of the measures we're taking is seeking marriage counseling, not necessarily to fix anything major but to tidy things up a bit and get equipped for an even better future! I don't think there's any shame in getting counseling because it's a lot more healthy to have a third person helping you walk through things than just going around in viscous circles between the two of you. Counseling has been an enlightening and funny experience for us...funny because sometimes we maybe don't take it as seriously as we should but we still walk away with a lot of good things :)

Ok so that's a little insight into the sour things we've been experiencing lately. I hope that wasn't oversharing but it just wouldn't feel right to paint a picture of pure bliss for the past several months when we have experienced the good alongside the bad.

And that brings us to the sweet things! A really big one is the purchase of our first home! Well, we more feel like we're borrowing it from the bank because right now they're technically the ones who own it but we're the ones who get to rip it up inside and make it look nice! We've been working hard for months to renovate our 1200sqft, 1949, 5 bedroom, semi-bungalow in Edmonton. It's been coming along slowly but surely. I wish I could be more like the people who come by to visit from time to time and notice significant changes in what has been done because when you're living in it sometimes seems like you're getting no where! We also have an awesome roommate living with us who is lots of fun, makes great lattes (so I'm told) and is a super amazing helper with house renos! She's pretty brave to live with this crazy married couple in such a cozy (...another word for small) house but we appreciate it a lot! For those of you who are interested I will post pictures of the house one of these days but I just don't feel good doing it while it's so chaotic! You're always welcome to stop by though!

Another sweet thing has been that we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I know that some people say it goes by quickly but when you spend so much time apart it kind of passes by slowly but that just means that it seems like we've enjoyed a longer amount of time to grow together over the past 2 years. 

Well that's about it for now. Thanks for reading! I hope you were able to take something away from our honesty whether it's gaining a little insight into our function dysfunction or reflecting a bit on your own life. 

Life eh? What a journey!

merci.

I'm your guy and you're my girl! (that's a little tune we sing from time to time)

Today I am thankful for Josh.

I'm just going to straight up give you a sappiness warning. I tried to censor the sap but it's hard to do that when I'm just being honest.  

 I could spend at least 30 days straight writing about why and how I am thankful for Josh! I was going to hold out for a bit before writing this post because it's one of the easiest things to be thankful for because he's just so awesome! What made me decide to go for now was the briefing I went to last night for spouses preparing for their partners to return from Afghanistan. Listening to the social worker go through the points of what to expect, what some hardships might be and suggestions for this transition time, made me realize I truly did marry the greatest guy out there! Our time apart has certainly not been easy but Josh has been so amazing through out all of it and I know will only continue with that once he comes home! So many of the points that were mentioned didn't even apply, which I attribute to Josh being who he is and all the great things he brings into our relationship. That's not to say soldiers who do have those struggles are any less than Josh because I can only imagine how difficult it is and there are a wide range of circumstances in which soldiers are returning home to. 

In my opinion, what has significantly contributed to the ease of transitioning back and forth from life together and apart is Josh's pursuit of simply serving me. There have been many times even during the past when he could have reacted negatively or harshly to something I brought up. Instead of deferring to his tendency to get defensive, he steps back to think of what I need in that moment and how he can serve me. Honestly, I'm not always deserving of this but he does it for me anyways, which is so important in helping diffuse what ever has got me so worked up (...and sometimes it doesn't take much!). During the briefing they talked about soldiers acting angrily towards their loved ones, which is a perfectly normal experience that all the other women shared in their experience. However, I don't feel Josh ever went through that because he was so concerned about giving me what I needed that his needs came second. I think I'm the one with the anger problems in this situation, which is yet another thing Josh deals with in love and grace towards me. What a great guy!

Another one of Josh's strengths is his sense of humour. Yes, there are moments (quite few actually) when I've had a hard time with his silliness and jokes but we have both grown so much in this area and I can confidently say I'm thankful for my goofy guy! He has been so thoughtful during this time to balance his silliness with seriousness and he does that mostly for me. However, I absolutely love the ways he makes me laugh because it's so unique to Josh. He's just so quarky and I think one of the funniest things is that he genuinely cracks himself up. Sometimes I laugh more at this fact than the actual funny thing! His sense of humour is so much a part of who he is that his alter-ego, "Sleepy Josh", is a total goof ball who will make jokes and talk in silly voices even though Josh is completely asleep. I miss just joking around with him and I'm so thankful for all the fun that we have together! I'm also thankful for the ways Josh forgives me for when I'm a fun killer and he reminds me that life doesn't always have to be serious!

I'm thankful for Josh's desire to grow and mature in his own character so that he can be a better husband and the best version of himself possible! His willingness to learn is amazing, which is evidenced in the small notebook he carries around and keeps notes about things to work on. I'm thankful that he forgives me for not always being patient as he continues to grow in certain areas or as fast I should like. I am thankful for all the ways he has grown over the years, especially in the past year. The changes in his life from even 2 1/2 years ago is huge and I trust that they're not just surface changes because I see the dedication, commitment and desire he puts into becoming the best man possible. I'm thankful that he lets me help him and listens to my suggestions (ahem...ok maybe sometimes they come across more as criticisms) even though I have the tendency to repeat them like I'm beating a dead horse (I don't like that cliche but it perfectly sums up this bad habit of mine).

I'm thankful for Josh's commitment to me, which is life long and absolutely unwavering. Josh is one of the most loyal and honest people out there. My goodness, he can't even force himself to deceive me about when he's coming home even after I've given him permission, and even encouraged him to! He's always been an all or nothing guy and when it comes to me, I think we all know what end of the spectrum he has stood on since high school! His commitment also shows in tasks he undertakes whether it's helping someone move or getting through five seasons of a tv show :) 

I'm thankful for all the ways he's contributed to my life and made me a better person. One of the biggest influences is his ability to help me not stress about things, which I'm noticing is a struggle to do when he's not here. He has helped me become so much healthier mentally because I was basically torturing myself with stress and worry, which he shows me is unproductive and harmful. I do have relapses though but in those moments I can rely on him to help set my priorities straight and regain some perspective. I have to admit that the classic saying, "opposites attract" is fairly accurate in our relationship because in so many ways we are complete opposites! This can divide people but it can also bring closer together than ever when they're willing to allow the other's strengths to build up their own weaknesses. Even though it can drive me crazy how particular Josh is about keeping things organized, I have to admit it is rather helpful when I'm running around at the last minute looking for that last little thing I need before heading out the door. Being with Josh has made me a better person and he continues to challenge me to only further grow and develop myself. Thanks guy!

I could go on and on...and on with sharing how amazing Josh is but I'm going to wrap it up with this last piece. I'm thankful for how Josh makes me feel. He always makes me feel listened to, even when what I'm saying isn't something he agrees with or necessarily appreciates. He goes out of his way to make me feel loved every single and doesn't let a day go by when he doesn't remind me how beautiful and cherished I am. He makes me believe in myself and gives me confidence when I struggle. And, although some women might not like this, he most definitely treats me like a princess and I like it! (not the snobby, too good for you princess though but he does like to spoil me like I'm a princess!). 

What can I say, my husband is great and I truly could not have asked for anyone better! Trust me, I'm a picky girl (haha something I'm also thankful for Josh dealing with in grace and forgiveness). I'm so proud of who he is and who he is striving to become. He has all of my confidence, belief and, of course, my love. I appreciate him for everything he does for me. And after a year of marriage, I'm even happier than the day I married him to get to spend the rest of my life with him! Some things were just meant to be I suppose :)

gracias.

Today I am thankful for video chat.

This has been my main means of communication with Josh over the past five months and without skype and google chat, we would have mostly been limited to email. I have spent much time complaining about the poor connection and the frustrations we have had when trying to video chat. Sometimes it felt that trying to have a conversation was most difficult than just not talking at all. That's how I felt after broken connections and hangups that took up about 40 minutes out of every hour and I think it's true that in some cases it would have been better just to not even try! However, it has been good to use video chat with Josh even though it is rare that we get through a conversation without any trouble and even more rare that we get to use the video function!
Today I was able to skype with my mom while she's in Malaysia and she gave me a whole tour of the gorgeous place she's staying in. It's amazing to be able to share something visually with another person even when they're miles away! We're also able to stay connected with my grandparents who have frequent skype chats throughout the day with their family members.
I was also reminded of the value of this technology today when some parents were saying their daughter knows her cousins in the States via their interactions on skype. Even in the Gilchrists' home skype (or the equivalent apple program, ichat) is used at least once every other day to talk with Julianne's parents. It's great that the girls' grandparents can interact with them when in person visits aren't able to happen very often.
As simple as it is, I'm thankful for this piece of technology that helps us stay connected with family and friends throughout the globe. Of course in-person visits are preferable but when distance prevents that from happening, it's great to have such an accessible alternative. Maybe when we're able to communicate via holograms, or better yet, just transport across the world, we might look back and laugh about how simple video chat seems. But for now, I am thankful for it.