Receiving Much Through Great Loss

The past few months have been life changing for us and we would like to take the opportunity to share with you a little bit about what we have gained through a most joyous and saddening experience. We believe this experience has been a great gift to us and the best way to honour a gift is to share it with others. So here's our story.

On Thanksgiving we received the greatest gift; the news that we were going to be parents! At first we felt shocked and it took a few days for the news to actually sink in. Right away we went to see a doctor because I wasn't sure if I could continue taking my sleeping pills (aka, my "pills to help me stop dreaming and start sleeping like a normal person"). While at the doctor I asked him over and over again to write me an extra prescription, you know, just in case this wasn't really happening. He thought I was crazy but I just couldn't believe the wonderful gift we had received. It was too good to be true. 

But it was true! 

We were able to share the news with my entire family that day who were as shocked as we were but extremely happy to welcome into the family the first grandbaby and niece/nephew. The hardest thing at that point was trying not to tell the whole world about this reason for great joy in our lives! 

Things were great until the exact day I hit 6 weeks. Another 4 weeks of horrendous nausea then set in but by this time we were beginning to anticipate who our baby would become, the ways we would welcome it into our family and all the hopes and dreams we had for him/her. At this point it was hard to be so extremely happy and excited but to know that anything could happen since it was still a very fragile time for the baby. We were counting down the days until week 12 so that we could finally feel confident that this baby was going to be ours; a part of our family, our first child and the object of all the love we could give them! 

That very day we were anxiously anticipating finally came but our hopes were dampened when we had to make a trip to the hospital emergency because something wasn't quite right. We were reassured and told their wasn't anything we could do for better or for worse except wait it out and hope for the best. The next day we had such a wonderful day together, probably one of the best since me becoming so sick from all the side affects of pregnancy. This day together and with friends was truly a gift because the next day we woke up to the most devastating event of our lives. 

I won't go into detail but it was a long 2 days spent at the hospital. As soon as I woke up that morning I just knew that it was over. The baby was gone; certainly not from our hearts but from this world. Like most awful situations we find ourselves in, it felt like we were living in a nightmare. I just wanted to wake up and have it not be real; to not feel that emptiness of losing someone that I loved so much but never even got to meet. Through the love, support and prayers of our friends and family we made it through those tough days and experienced a peace through it all that was truly beyond what we were capable of cultivating ourselves. 

Now we begin a new chapter of our lives. We will forever be parents of our precious little baby we watched, with hopeful anticipation, grow for 12 weeks but we will wait a lifetime before we get to meet him or her. We want to share this story with you because despite the immense sadness and pain we have experienced through it, we believe that through our baby we have received enormous gifts that, perhaps, we couldn't have received otherwise except through our baby.

As we look back on the events of the past week we realize there is still so much to be thankful amidst the pain. We are thankful for the gift of becoming parents and getting to experience the indescribable love you can have for someone even before you know them. I have never experienced love like this before and even though now it hurts, we are both thankful to have been able to love in this way. 

It's not the ideal situation to bring this to our attention but we are thankful for  all the loving, generous, caring  people who surround us! It's in moments of great joy or great sadness that we are immediately surrounded by a community of those who care dearly for us, ready and willing to support us in any and every way possible! Experiencing this type of relationship is truly what makes life great. 

We are thankful for the care we were given through the health care system and the relieve from work that was generously offered by both our employers. It was such a gift to spend the last week together without having to balance work among the physical and emotional healing that had to take place. In addition to that, my mom came up for a few days to help out and just to be here, which might have been a simple act but helped enormously in Josh and I getting what we need to heal.

We are thankful for the way this baby has brought us closer together. We have never loved each other more than in the moment when we were able to be there for one another as we both experienced deep pain and sadness. The baby has shown us how to love each other more, not because we weren't doing a good job before, but because this experience has increased our capacity for love and has brought us together in doing so. Even though in June we won't be able to hold our baby, like we hoped and dreamed of, we will be able to hold each other and that is a gift. 

I am indescribably thankful for Josh who has been the most amazing man through this entire situation. He has gone to unbelievable efforts to serve me, love me and help me through this emotionally and physically difficult time. He serves me with a generous and loving heart and I know that with him around, I will always be well cared for. This has also been a great comfort to my family who know that Josh is here for me in every way they wish they could be. I am sad that our baby won't grow up with the amazing and awesome dad that I know Josh would have been for our child. However, I trust that he/she knew how much their daddy loves them because Josh made sure to love our baby in every way he could while they were still with us. He made sure to talk to them almost every night, pray for them, and take care of their mom in absolutely every way possible.

I am thankful for the opportunity to better understand people who go through similar situations so that we can offer our help and support to them. Pregnancy loss is actually quite common even with all our medical knowledge and advancements. It's said that around 1 in every 6 pregnancies will end with miscarriage and that's only including losses that occur before 20 weeks. This isn't something we ever wanted to experience but now that we have, we both feel it's important to use our experience to help others. I hated feeling like I had done something wrong and that I was the only person I knew who was going through this, which is, in part, why we want to be open about our experience so that other people know they aren't alone. 

Finally, we are thankful for our faith, which we have turned to especially in our pain and sadness. We know what we believe in and Who we believe in, which is great comfort when your world seems to collapse around you. We believe in prayer and can testify to its work in our lives especially at this time. We can't even describe the ways that we have felt cared for and comforted even in those lonely moments where all you can do is weep. We have experienced a genuine peace through this all, which doesn't mean it was painless and easy, but that in almost every moment we know that it's going to be okay because we are part of a greater plan. We don't believe that God's plan for our life was to make us hurt and suffer. However, we do believe His plan was to care for us and impart great blessing through a horrible situation. We trust that He is caring for our baby in heaven and are thankful that our little one is with Him now because it was what was best for him/her. I would much rather go through this difficult time than have a child who struggles with quality of life because of developmental or health challenges. We wanted the absolute best for our baby and will endure this pain joyfully, knowing that it was what was best for them! 

Thank you for your support, love and prayers at this time. Thank you for journeying with us through this time, even if it was simply through reading this post. What we ask of you now is that you show the same love and support to others going through tough times, just as we were cared for. 

Not all is loss in tragedy but we must be willing to give and receive in order to overcome and help others do the same. Even the greatest loss is part of a bigger plan and it's up to us to see what we can be thankful for and trust despite what we cannot see. -S-

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I don't know what to say after that. Sam is really good with words and being able to express in the way that she has, especially considering what she just went through physically and mentally, is truly amazing. Thank you for everything, for being a part of our lives and for being our friends.  -J-