A Little, Big Announcement

Two more tiny feet around The Stauffer house!

I can't count the number of times we have thought of writing this post but just never got to it. It wasn't forgetfulness of from lack of time; there's just so much to say and we didn't know where to start, how much to share, and if we even felt ready to make such a long, difficult journey public when it was still a daily reality for us. Even as I write this now I know I'm not going to come close to saying all that can be said about what the past year has been like for us, not to mention the years of hardship, loss, struggle and pain that are all part of the story in which we are writing a new chapter. What we want to share with you is messy and complex and includes a whole lot of goodness that has come about through a great deal of challenge.

And with that, let's start with some of the goodness:
We had a baby! In fact, yesterday marked the first due date which we can celebrate instead of mourn, which is a gift we often questioned we would ever get to experience. Felix Jonathan Stauffer was born on March 26th at 12:04pm weighing 6lb 14 oz and measuring 20.5 inches. It was a difficult pregnancy so we were thrilled he decided to arrive slightly earlier than his due date but in excellent health and with good measurements (especially considering how sick I had been and how small my baby-growing belly was)! Our home birth was healthy but quite intense (3.5 hours start to finish!) and there was an issue afterwards that resulted in an ambulance trip to the hospital and short stay so I could be monitored for a while to make sure things were ok. Otherwise, the little guy has been doing awesome and wasted no time bulking up from his birth weight and accomplishing all those important baby things - eating, sleeping and pooping!

Here's the little guy at 5 days old and just full of smiles.  We love it! 

If you're reading this and are completely shocked that we had a baby or that we were even expecting in the first place, you are not alone! Because of a few different factors, we kept our news quiet for quite some time and then just didn't get many opportunities to share the news in person since the majority of the pregnancy was spent with me either in bed or on the couch. This pregnancy was tough right from the very beginning so we kept putting off sharing our news until we knew the baby was alright but also until I felt well enough to share the news with genuine excitement and joy. Honestly, although we were incredibly grateful for this precious gift of life, it was unbelievably hard for me to excitedly share this journey with others because I just felt awful, day in and out. I won't go into details but the issue was a collection of odd but still normal pregnancy problems that were, 1. on the "more severe than normal" end of the spectrum, and 2. happening simultaneously, which resulted in almost constant pain throughout my body. During the 38 weeks I was pregnant, there were maybe 2 weeks altogether of scattered days were where I felt close to functional. All the other days were spent just coping and getting through, hoping tomorrow would be better. The days, weeks and months were both physically exhausting (for Josh too as he became full time house-husband during any waking hour not spent at work) and mentally/emotionally taxing as we struggled through dealing with the pain. After countless trips to doctors and specialists, alternative medicine practitioners and even the ER a few times, we came to the conclusion that we just needed to do whatever we could to survive, not losing hope things were going to get better, but confronting the reality that things were just not getting better. After realizing there was nothing more we could do to alleviate the physical difficulties, I started going to counselling as a way of managing my pain and working through the complex emotions I was experiencing . There were fleeting moments on those rare good days when we wanted to share our happy news but usually ended up postponing any kind of big announcements so we could savor the goodness of the moment and attempt to rejuvenate  our weary hearts. In the end, the pregnancy progressively got more challenging and painful, or perhaps it plateaued but we were so exhausted and worn by that point it just felt like the difficulty kept building. We spent most of the last 8 months close to home and much more anti-social than usual because we were in constant survival mode and every activity came at an increasing cost to our already limited energy and my rapidly depleting capabilities. Throw into this mix the difficulties of foster parenting, the dynamics of experiencing pregnancy after loss and a few other general life challenges, and that kind of sums up what we've gone through the last year.

And now, with the arrival of Felix, we begin a new chapter! Most of my pregnancy-related pain is now gone and, once the post-partum craziness settles down, we look forward to me operating from a functional state once again. We don't completely understand why, especially after all we've gone through leading up to this point, this pregnancy was so incredibly difficult but we are choosing to recognize what we have gained and how we have grown through it. This is a lot easier to do now that we have emerged on the other side!

His birth has also brought closure to our journey of infertility and pregnancy loss. These things will always be part of story and will continue to shape us moving forward but now it feels like the brokenness  has come full circle as the pain we endured brought about such an amazing gift. If it wasn't for the babies we had lost, we wouldn't have Little D and we wouldn't have Felix. We wish there was a way to have all our babies with us but, because that's not possible, we make an extra effort to treasure the ones we have been given, knowing that it came at the cost of the ones who came before.

One last thing I want to share with you is the meaning of Felix's name. We picked his first name on the day we found out we were expecting a boy. We didn't want to be the parents who settled on just one name long before even meeting the baby so we did up a decent list of name options. However, Felix instantly stood out to both of us and we could hardly help ourselves from using it when referring to our baby. We think it's an all-round awesome name but we especially value it's meaning in light of what the pregnancy was like and what we hope for our child in the years to come. Felix means "happiness" or "happy one". This pregnancy was far from happy; in fact, happiness was something we had to battle for each day as we struggled just to get through. During most of the pregnancy I grieved the reality that I was not happy about being pregnant and struggled to even be happy about the baby growing inside me; grateful, yes, but happy, often not. With this in mind we chose the name Felix with a prophetic purpose: happiness might not have been what we were experiencing  but it is undoubtedly  what we desire for our child and the life waiting ahead of him. Also, as Felix moved and squirmed inside of me, I got a sense of contentment from him and the word "happiness" just felt fitting. It's incredible to see just how appropriate this name is for him now that we watch and experience him in "the real world"; he really is a happy baby and one of our favorite things is to watch his many, many smiles (some gas-induced but also many spontaneous ones, especially when we talk with him or stroke his face) and even some adorable giggle fits! We look forward to seeing how he continues to grow into the meaning of his name as we hope and pray happiness over him and his future.

His middle name, Jonathan, was also chosen for its meaning: "Jehovah/God has given", or "Gift from God". Felix himself is an incredible gift (not to mention super adorable!) but we have also been given much already through him, even before the day we first held him in our arms. Through the hardships of this pregnancy Josh and I have grown strong as a team. It didn't come easy or quickly but through the months of physical hardship we have learned how to work together and gained a deeper appreciation for one another. I can't even describe how much Josh has done for our family over these months. It's been incredible to see him grow as a husband and father, stepping into these roles in ways that amaze and impress me. As he has taken on more roles, Josh has also gained an appreciation for the things I use to do on a regular basis around the house and with Little D. Growing in our relationship and marriage in this way is a valuable gift to us and our kiddos! Although it's been incredibly hard work, we have really enjoyed this season of working together and deepening our appreciation for one another.
Living in survival mode also helped us slow down and really focus on the day-to-day, soaking in the goodness to be had in each moment. From my headquarters set up on the couch or bed I  was able to spend intentional, focused time with Little D and just value the silly, special moments with him each day. I had to get creative in finding ways to engage him while being physically limited but it was worth the effort because I could say that I genuinely had fun with him nearly every day and I'm certain he was too! Had I not been so laid up, we would have likely been busy being out and about, visiting friends, doing different programming and activities in the community, etc. Those are all good things but in the hustle of the coming and going I often lose sight of being present in the moment and savoring the simple, special moments that happen throughout the day. Living one day at a time and moving at a slower pace helped our family find joy in the ordinary and value in simplicity.
In the challenges of the last year we were also given incredible gifts from friends and family that were so meaningful to us and blessed us richly. People came around us to help with work around the house, taking care of Little D, shopping trips and errands, cooking food for us, and the list goes on! We were, and continue to be, overwhelmed by the generosity of people in our lives and their expression of love and care for us through providing for us in practical ways and supporting us emotionally in this journey. I honestly don't know what would have happened if it wasn't for the help others. Receiving from our friends and family in this way is an invaluable gift, one that we look forward to returning once we get our feet back under ourselves! To everyone who has helped us in any way, we hope we have already let you know how appreciated and value you are but, once again, thank you!!

So, in case you were wondering what on earth happened to The Stauffers over the last several months, now you know! Going forward we are excited for four months together while Josh goes on paternity leave; a much needed break and opportunity for quality time together after a really intense past year! We also look forward to seeing more of our friends and family again now that I'm becoming more able to get out of bed and out of the house more often. This pregnancy sure changed our life rhythm for a time but we are excited to get back into our groove, having gained some valueable  experience and learnings, plus a super awesome baby boy!

In case you're one of those people who love baby bumps,  here's out tiny guy the day before he was born. 

A Year With Little D

Here's the (not-so) little guy telling me about how "bright" and "warm" the sun is. His vocabulary impresses us a daily basis!

This week in our home we celebrated a type of birthday. Or maybe it's more like an anniversary. This week marks one year from when Little D joined our family. In ways it's hard to believe it's been an entire year but at the same time it feels like a very full year, packed with growth and learnings and a whole lot of life and parenting experience!

Most people get 9ish months to prepare for the arrival of a baby. We got a few hours. 

Most people start with a newborn who, for the most part, sticks to sleeping, crying, eating and pooping. We started off with an 8 month old who was teething ferociously, in the middle of a nasty cold and a whopping 22 pounds. (note: my upper body strength sky rocketed those first few weeks of toting around Little D but it was surprisingly painless!)
And while there are always adventures in discovering a little person's temperament, preferences and personality, most people know what their child has been exposed to and experienced from day one and have been significant in shaping that. We knew next to nothing about the little guy coming into our home: who he was, what he'd experience, what he needed as a unique individual from exceptional circumstances...
Needless to say, true to our Stauffer-style, we just don't do things like "most people"!

There is just so much I could share from what we've learned and experienced through having Little D in our home. Certainly lots of incredible moments but also many hardships and surprises that have left their bumps and bruises (and probably some scars too!), coming together to make this a beautifully difficult experience. If you'd like to hear a bit more of what this journey has been like, here are a few of the many things we have learned and experienced that have surprised us over the past year during life with Little D:

Kids are incredible in so many ways.
We are somewhat biased as proud caregivers of Little D but, man, he is one awesome guy! We are continually surprised and impressed by the things he learns and the person he is becoming. He has come so far over this past year and is absolutely thriving even in the face of some significant hardships. Sure we have helped this process along a bit but there's just an intrinsic element of awesomeness in this little guy that can't be quenched. Also, we couldn't have imagined how much we would gain from Little D simply in the process of loving and caring for him. Sometimes all it takes is one little smile, one silly exclamation, or one special snuggle and suddenly everything is right in the world and our hearts are filled. Even if just for a passing moment, this daily gift of joy we receive from Little D continues to amaze and humble us. 

Side note: I really dislike saying "kids are so resilient" because I've heard it too many times as an explanation, or even an excuse, for why kids can go through anything and still be fine. We've seen Little D go through some pretty tough stuff, things that no one (not to mention someone so small!) should ever have to experience. Is he resilient through it all? Absolutely, in so many ways! However, resilient is not the same as unaffected. While resiliency may allow a child to continue moving forward through hardship, there is an injustice to mourn that they've endured such hardships in the first place.

Experiencing love in ways and in a depth we have never before known.
When we found out we were expecting our first baby in 2012 we experienced that instant love that comes when you realize you are a parent that there is a little extension of you in this world outside of yourself. It's mind blowing, amazing and terrifying all at the same time! In some ways loving Little D was very similar to this and in other ways was an entirely different but equally profound experience. He isn't our flesh and blood but we love him just as much as a biological child. No matter what happens in the long term, our love for him has taken permanent residence in our hearts and, because of this, he will always be part of our family.

Nothing could have prepared us for "The System"
We had exceptional training in terms of preparing for the parenting aspect of foster parenting but nothing could have truly prepared us for the wild ride of being part of the system. I won't go into too much detail but it's been incredibly difficult and this probably won't change. As we learn more (hello, baptism by fire!) and add to our experience there are aspects that become easier but the system as a whole is crazy and that's not likely to change. We just gear up for the crazy ride, hold on and prepare for the unknown, the unexpected and the sometimes totally unreasonable.

The dysfunction of "The System" is just a symptom of the greater brokenness in our world.
I'll keep this brief but could easily rant about the dysfunction and injustice we have witnessed and personally experienced because it's been a lot. The symptoms of these huge issues include the perpetuation of trauma in the lives of children and families, the disconnect between caregivers and decision makers, the lack of support and the sheer fact that we live in a world where not all children are raised by their parents, whatever the reasons may be. In this journey we have seen, heard and experienced elements of human brokenness that instantly rip your heart to shreds and compel a desperate but unanswerable "why" from the depths of our beings. This comes as we have our own experiences in "the system" but also as we witness how it impacts Little D, his birth family and many people involved in the in-between. We weren't entirely naive to these things before but regularly experiencing them first hand brings a new perspective and awareness to the matter.

There's something special about togetherness.
Day to day I'm at home with Little D and we regularly have a grand time together spending most of the day laughing and playing and being silly goof balls. Apart from the expected fits and struggles of toddlerhood, there is nothing to suggest he is anything but completely content being at home with me. However, when Josh comes home it's like things become complete for him, as if there was something missing that has now come together. I can't quite describe what the shift is but something changes and he just settles into this place of total contented peace where everything is right in the world because the three of us are together. We also see the other side of this where Little D misses the togetherness of being with his birth mom and having the experience of having all of his caregivers together with him. In these exceptional circumstances, it's a difficult but really amazing thing to be part of making this little guy's world complete!

No matter what we go through, it's worth it. Love is always worth it.
There are days I have doubted our decision to do what we do. We voluntarily put ourselves through what sometimes feels like complete insanity and get pushed to breaking point (and occasionally even past that...), and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? What's worse is that there is no end in sight, there is no good solution, no resolution and it seems like we're on a hamster wheel going nowhere. However, we stay on this crazy ride because loving him is worth it. That is unquestionable and unchangable. It also helps that he's a super easy kid to love, not to mention amazingly adorable (oh how I wish we could show you a picture of this cutie! He is one handsome dude.).

In terms of where we are at in "the process" of fostering, the plan is still to work towards returning Little D to his birth mom full time. There is a complex legal system guiding this process, which is continuing to offer his birth mom every opportunity to do what needs to be done so she can be with Little D full time in the long term. The timeline and dates seem to constantly change but we anticipate there will be a permanent decision made one way or the other some time within the next year; could be more, could be less. If, at the end of this somewhat undefined timeline, it's decided that returning Little D to his birth mom isn't going to work out for the long term then the process of seeking a permanent placement (essentially, adoption) would begin. This is yet another complex system unto itself and it could take years before it's determined where Little D's long term home would be, either staying in our home or moving in with extended biological family. Really, anything can happen! For now though, he's here with us the majority of the time and gets to spend time with his birth mom as much as circumstances allow.

I'm assuming that many of you reading this have journeyed with us in this past year in some capacity, getting some special insight into the the drastic highs and lows of foster parenting and the wild ride we've been on over these 365 days. Thank you for your part in our journey, for whatever time and in whatever capacity that may be: encouragement, support, babysitting, a listening ear, advice giving, prayers, and just being a friend to us. Parenting is a crazy adventure unto itself but fostering adds some very...interesting...elements that have challenged us in ways we couldn't have even imagined and there is no way we could have made it through this year alone.

As a random aside note in response to something we get asked quite a lot, in case you're interested in what Little D calls us, he refers to us as Mama Sam and Papa Josh (or sometimes just Mama/Papa or Sam/Josh depending on how sassy he feels!). He calls his birth mom Mommy and birth dad isn't in the picture at all so he really doesn't have an understanding of the word, "Dad/Daddy". We figured we needed something he could call us that spoke to our meaningful relationship while allowing him to understand the role of his birth mom AND something we would feel comfortable having future foster children or bio-kids calling us. It sometimes gets confusing when other people talk to him since mama and papa aren't commonly used these days but this little guy is sure clever and usually figures out who is being referred to. 

Introducing Little D!

We're excited to announce the addition of baby boy, Little D, to the Stauffer family! As far as we're concerned, he's officially part of our family but we are currently pursing the adoption process of this little one so that he can legally be part of our family. This is a long and complicated process but we are thrilled to have him here with us for the foreseeable future! Because of safety concerns and legalities involved in this we can't give you much more information or share photos of the little guy online (although those are in fact his chubby little feet!) but we look forward to introducing him in person to friends and family!

The adoption process is very complex and unpredictable, particular in this arrangement where Little D hasn't been declared a formal "ward of the state" but essentially it means we desire a permanent home for this little one. What this process looks like right now is for us to facilitate Plan A, which is always for the child to return to their birth family. Despite the dysfunction and chaos in some of those arrangements, it's always, always, always better for a child to be with their biological family provided that their environment is safe enough. For Little D's sake, we hope and pray that his bio family can provide a safe and nurturing home for him to return to. In the mean time, we can provide that for him at our home and also look forward to have him long-term if Plan A doesn't end up working out. This is just one of the many challenges we are discovering in the process because our hearts feel torn in two directions, desiring him to stay with us but also hoping he is able to return to a safe and healthy biological family.

So far it's been an intense transition since we had only a few hours between finding out he was coming to live with us and the moment they brought him through the door. Because the process of building our family has been quite long and challenging for us, we were both very mentally/emotionally ready for this change but the quickness of how this all happened was a bit surprising! Thankfully we've had years of building up our baby supplies so we were sufficiently physically equipped when we found out he'd be joining us. There have been lots of things we have learned already during his short time with us; most of these being about working with "the system" (Child and Family Services) and the unique needs of children in care. We know it's going to be a wild ride but we're thrilled to be on this journey together and are confident it's what we want to devote our lives to with this little guy but, hopefully, more children in the years to come!

I would just like to add that one my absolute favorite parts of this crazy week has been seeing Josh absolutely come alive as a dad. Seeing him interact with our son and the way he has instantly given his heart to the little guy is absolutely amazing. Josh has been an incredible dad over the years as he loved each one of our babies, took care of me while I was pregnant, and remembers each one of our kiddos we miss here on earth. We have considered ourselves parents since the day we found out we were expecting our first baby but I'm thankful that I can now watch him love our baby as he gets to hold him and play with him and feed him and do all those other parenting things we have been missing for years. I look forward to seeing this father-son relationship continue to develop as Little D already loves his Papa Josh (especially when he brings out the quadcopter!).

Return to Civilianship

Today is the day! Master Corporal Joshua Stauffer has officially been released from the military and is now working full time as an installer with Shaw. This was a decision that was long time coming and I think we're both in a bit of shock that it's finally here and happening. It was just under a year ago that I called Josh was he was on a training exercise in Wainwright and told him that I feel done with the military life. I was definitely in a bit of a rough place and having him gone was tough but, for the first time in our relationship, I felt truly done with the military. When I told him that Josh responded with, "Okay. I'll look into the release process as soon as I get back to Edmonton". He knew that this was a very serious claim on my part but also that his time in the military was going to come to an end at some point in the near future as we looked forward to further growing in our marriage and starting a family. Both of which as fairly difficult endeavors while remaining in the military life.

In January we worked hard on his resume and all those hours of editing sure did pay off because he got a call right away from Shaw asking him to come for an interview! Kudos to my mom for her help in this awesome resume-writing process! The day of the interview was far from idyllic in terms of what was going on in our personal lives but Josh must have nailed it despite all this because he got offered a job soon after. The amazing thing is that, from what we knew, it is not common to get an offer after only one interview. I must say I was (and am!) quite the proud wife for having such an awesome husband :)

Initially Josh had planned on giving the military 3 months notice for his last day since the technical requirements is that he only needed to give them 1 month once he had another job lined up. As usual, things on the military end didn't work out as anticipated and they required him to stay in for another 6 months. There is no real reason for this decision or appeal process so we just went with it, trusting that there would be value in Josh spending a few extra months in the military. Yet another huge blessing at this time was the fact that Shaw was incredibly willing to hold Josh's job for the 6 months as he released. We didn't expect them to since that is asking a lot from a future employer but we were so grateful it was offered! During the first bit of his last months in the military Josh was extremely close to being sent to Poland for a mission, which would have drastically changed the course of his release process. Obviously in the end he didn't go but in some ways it was fun to have that last minute, critical change of plans looming over us, as is the military's MO, almost as a last little ho-rah to military life. "Fun" might not be the best descriptor...

And now the day has come that we have been hoping for and anticipating for almost a year. He is officially DONE with the military (*technically they can still call on him for a few more years if there is a national or global crisis but we're thinking the chances of that are fairly slim). Here are some of the key changes we're looking forward to for the first time in our relationship:

• knowing that Josh will be home every night unless we decide to make plans otherwise
• not having to go long stretches of tediously coordinating phone calls that usually have mediocre to poor reception anyways so we spend most of the time saying, "What did you say? Pardon?"
• not having a work number come up on his phone and wondering if he has to suddenly go in to work, or to some forsaken corner of the world, at any hour of the day or night
• not having military kit ALL OVER THE HOUSE (ok, he's gotten a lot better about thing since I've had a few mental breakdowns following too much visual exposure to green cadpat. However, we will still have an interesting collection of military issued items that will be kicking around our place for quite a while yet.)
• not getting into fights the night before a long stretch because we have different ideas about how to spend our time together before he leaves (Josh would spend it packing because he procrastinated earlier in the week and I would be annoyed because I wanted to spend quality time with him while I could!)
• Josh not having to work 24hr shifts at the duty desk, which always seemed to get scheduled on the most inconvenient days
• no more enforced haircut specifications! Just to spite the military a little bit I think his first cut will be a square cut at the back. Ha!
• no more extras! Josh hasn't been given extras in quite some time now but it's nice to know that he will never have to stay late after work to sweep a parking lot because he made a joke about poop to the wrong crowd...

Yes, there will always be things we miss about the military life; one of my top ones being those military issued wool socks! I will still occassionally make Josh call me ma'am, he will still salute me when I bark orders at him and I will certainly require him to show me his special march skills at the most random times and places so as to keep at least a little bit of the military legacy alive and present ;) We are confident this change is what's best for our lives and we look forward to this new career adventure. Welcome to civilian life, Stauffer!

-S

The Day Everything Changed.

Photo Credit: LaPrimaDonna (Creative Commons)

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned that the weeks and months have gone by so quickly. I honestly couldn't relate to this feeling because, for me, this past year has seem to go by excruciatingly slowly. When days are filled with grief, pain, hardships, and a whole lot of personal growth, time doesn't rapidly turn into weeks and months; rather, it gets broken down into hours and minutes that seem like they will last forever. This is what much of the past year has been like for us.

A year ago today marks the day that everything in our world changed. In a moment we went from being expectant parents to being childless parents. From a couple with the greatest hopes and dreams for our baby, to a couple forced to accept that we would never see any of these come to fruition. From knowing the joy of new life growing within, to experiencing that same life being so quickly and involuntarily taken away. Since the loss of our first baby, we have experienced a subsequent pregnancy loss along with the disappointment of being denied approval as a foster care home after months of being highly invested and advanced in the process.

If it was up to me, this wouldn't have been how things unfolded. It's hard to believe that a year later now, we are still childless parents. This is certainly not a role you expect to find yourself in when you think of starting a family! However, this is our reality, it is part of our story and, regretfully, there is nothing we can do to go back and re-write it. What we have been able to do is determine how we allow it to shape the parts of our story that have yet to unfold. If you'd allow me, I'd like to share just a few of the many things we have learned through this journey.

The saying "you won't be given more than you can handle" is a lie. 

I guess it depends on how you define "handle". There have been moments where the only evidence of me being able to "handle" things was simply the fact I was still alive. Beyond that, it was as if every part of me inside was completely ripped apart because, the reality was, it was more than I could handle. When the pain seems unending and the notion of hope seems unreachable, this unfounded promise provides little comfort. What I found more helpful was to know that this kind of heart-wrenching pain and deadness of spirit is a real experience that needs to run its course. There is value in not only affirming the current experience (as awful as it might be) but also partnering that with the hope that it won't always be like this.

This experience has made me a better parent

This is a weird concept especially considering that we don't have any kids to parent at this time. However, I know that through this experience we have gained skills and understanding that will make us better parents when the time does come. We will not only value the lives of our future babies that much more because of this, but we have also grown individually and as a couple in huge ways that will contribute positively to the lives of our children. We certainly would have done a decent job without having gone through this experience but we now have skills and knowledge that we could not have gained any other way. In particular, we have learned that being a parent isn't about bringing fulfillment to us. We wouldn't have reflected on this concept if we hadn't been challenged through this specific journey. I believe that if I can't be happy without a baby, I'm not going to be happy just because I have a baby. This journey has given us the chance to look within ourselves and get centered first so that we truly be fulfilled individuals that can then offer wholeness to our future children. We never expected a baby to fulfill us or to complete our lives but in our decision making after each loss, we have had to honestly question our motives: do we just want to have a baby to make us feel better and fulfilled or do we want to have a baby because we have prepared a healthy environment for them to thrive in? In no way have we arrived at the pinnacle of everything we have to offer as parents, but I do recognize that we have gained a lot in this experience that I am thankful we can now offer to our future children.

Grief and loss is a journey that you have to go through

What I mean by this is there is no short-cut, easy way to experience grief and loss. Unless you fully journey through it, in all the misery and pain that includes, you are losing out on the one positive thing that can come from an otherwise awful experience. I have seen it's possible to do whatever it takes to put it behind you and just "get over it" but I don't actually believe this accomplishes anything other than allowing things to compound in the background over time.

It's ok to be sad

This sounds obvious when it's put like that but I challenge you to consider how you might have suggested otherwise to someone, or to yourself, in the midst of grief. Sometimes sadness gets mistaken for weakness, emotional unhealthiness, just overall not dealing with things well (whatever that means...), etc. If I show sadness it's because what I have gone through is sad. And guess what, a year later, it's still sad! How can losing a child ever not stop being sad? That's why tears occasionally trickle down my cheeks while I write this, or why seeing a new mom hold their baby evokes a pain inside as I remember I don't get to hold mine, or why I tear up a little bit when people ask when we're going to have kids. These are not at all a reflection of how I'm doing, my strength, or ability in dealing with what I've experienced. It is however a reflection that I have and am dealing with these losses because I am confronting the reality that it is, in fact, sad. These sad moments use to hit me like a train over and over again every single day. Now, they are less severe but are none the lest part of my regular experience and I expect they always will be. I've heard that losing someone is like having a limb amputated. You might go for longer periods where it goes unnoticed because it's become your new normal but there will always be moments when you are aware of the loss. My own pride and a fear of being perceived as weak are reasons why I won't always show the sadness on the outside. However, it's also because I worry others will misunderstand my sadness for something negative when, in reality, it's an important part of me being in a healthy place!

Theses are just a few of the many things that I could share with you about what I have taken away from what we have experienced in the past year. You don't have to agree with all of them but maybe it helps you understand a bit of what we have walked through. If you ever want to hear more, we are always open to sharing if it would be of value to you.

When I was a kid, I thought things could only get easier. I had no idea how hard life could be and, even after going through all this, I'm still surprised at how difficult it can be! However, I can testify to the fact that hardship is just for a season and that there is hope in the end. It is that hope that we keep holding on to and that hope you are able to hold to in the midst of great challenges.

The Reason I Wear a Poppy

Image from here, which has a interesting article about rosemary as a symbol of remembrance

It's that time of year again when poppies have made their way onto store counter tops, pinned to jackets and sweaters of the Canadian public and onto Facebook in the form of images, often with a short caption of remembrance. As I spend the Remembrance Day weekend with my military husband who has just returned from 3 weeks in the field, I wanted to share my own reasons for why I wear a poppy.

As a sometimes overly pragmatic and rational individual, I need to understand the purpose of making a silent statement through a symbol before just picking up a poppy and wearing it because that's what Canadians do around Remembrance Day. In the past few years particularly, I have asked myself why is it meaningful and valuable to wear a poppy? And now, with the introduction of the white poppy, why am I choosing to wear a red poppy? Here are my thoughts on the matter in case you're interested in hearing them:

First off, it's important for me to make it known that I support the military. I don't necessarily agree with all their decisions, procedures and certainly not how they operate on a daily basis but, big picture wise, I support what they do. I'm thankful to live in a country where military efforts are primarily focused on making the world a safer and more-just place for individuals beyond our borders. It's a far from perfect system and I recognize that not all military efforts are altruistic but the bottom line is that we have a military that aims to promote peace, not sabotage it. Through wearing a poppy I want to show that I am in favor of our military and, particularly, of the men, women and their families who give up a great deal to serve our country and our world. As a military wife, seeing someone wearing a poppy makes me thankful that they acknowledge my husband's work, the sacrifice it takes and the people who have come before him in that role.

Related to this point, it's important to me that I wear a poppy for the veterans and their surviving family members who have been directly affected by war and loss. I am thankful it's not me who gets sent overseas and I'm thankful my husband safely returned from his tour in 2011 (wow, that long ago already?). But that's not everyone's story. I want to show my support and respect the families who loss something great so that our country and our world could be a better place. WWII has been over for decades but the legacy of the veterans and the depth of loss that was experienced is still very real today. The ripple effect of lives lost and lives changed through war goes on for generations, which is why remembering veterans of WWI and WWII, as long ago as they may have been, is still relevant.

Now, when it comes to the white poppy, I can't say I'm completely against the concept like some people who have very loudly expressed their opposition. I like peace! I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to. However, the idea that peace is the absence of war and therefore the absence of militaries, is not possible in our broken world. Fact is, people make mistakes and in so long as this is true, I believe we need authority in the form of government, police and, yes, military when human error, poor judgement and selfishness compromises peace. So, while I like the idea of a white poppy and promoting the idea of peace, I don't think it can be a stand alone statement. The white poppy represents what I desire for our world, while the red poppy represents our reality and those who have sacrificed in the pursuit of peace. While both these concepts are important to me year-round, I chose to wear a red poppy during this short season as a small act of expressing its value to me, and pursue the concept of the white poppy through my actions and interactions each day.

Now that I think of it, this is related to something I posted a few years ago. You can check that out here.

-S

Learning to Love Freckles

So freckly! I use to hate this picture just because of that fact. Thanks, Lynae, for the photo!

Hey there. It's been a while since we've just written a blog post for the fun of writing so here goes a shot at it after a long hiatus.

With the much anticipated arrival of spring, and soon summer, I have also welcomed the coming of more freckles to my growing collection. Anyone with freckles can likely testify that one's relationship with their freckles can be quite challenging. I'm happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I'm actually glad to see them flourish in the warm spring sun. It has been quite a long journey to this point that I'm going to recap for my freckled and non-freckled comrades alike.

Many years ago now, there was a time before freckles. Hard to believe now that they've taken up permanent residency on my face and have only exponentially multiplied since. At first it was strange but everyone seemed to be excited that there were brown spots spontaneously appearing on my nose. I was too little to care about what they looked like; more than anything I was perplexed by these strange spots gradually taking over my face. 

For a while they were fun and I didn't mind them, especially in that time before you start worrying what other people think when they look at you. Ever so gradually though I began to resent these ever-increasing spots that rudely appeared without my permission or control. I then started trying to control their spread with sunscreen, thinking that if I applied enough, there was no way the sun could coax more out of my otherwise pale skin. Wrong. 

Many people will remember the classic book, Freckle Juice by Judy Blume. Reading this book was a memorable day in my life because it gave me hope there was a cure! Strange that I held hope in a freckle cure while entirely understanding the fictional nature of this book. However, it planted the idea in my head that might be a way to rid myself of them indefinitely. Now, this is the point where non-freckled people will look perplexed and wonder why anyone would want to get rid of their precious freckles (or at least that's what it has felt like in the past). Here was my perspective at the time: there were brown dots, spots and splotches taking over my face at an overwhelmingly increasing rate. I no longer could remember what my face looked like as a "normal" colour, instead I was stuck looking like pale giraffe. The thought of regaining my "real" face back was a dream that had been sparked by Judy Blume. I set off to research the topic through the most high-tech means I had available at the time: the digital library catalogue at school. I mean, it was a huge step up from the index cards because I could directly put my query into the search bar. Awesome! The memory is a bit cloudy but I seem to remember learning about some sort of chemical compounds that could be applied to remove specific pigmentation from the skin. I didn't care if it permanent burned my skin, I wanted to be free of my freckles!!! 

Fast forward a decade later. My resentment had only increase along with the emergence of new, unwelcomed freckles. It didn't matter how many people told me they were "nice" or "cute", I could not appreciate them in the slightest. 

And then things changed. Honestly, it was probably when I married Josh because he makes it extremely well known how much he loves my freckles. In his mind they have always been an inseparable part of me and therefore he loves them just as much as he loves me (which is a lot!). It took a few years of hearing, on a regular basis, "I love your freckles! They are so beautiful!". After years of rejecting their value and appeal it took quite a while for those words to penetrate my skepticism. Josh has helped me see that if I don't love myself the way I am, the way that Josh loves me, then it's an insult to him because it says he's wrong in loving those things about me. I wouldn't say I'm overly enthusiastic about my freckles, especially while they're still a contributing factor to why people still mistake me for a teenager. However, I have the attitude of: if you can't beat them, join them!

I share this because, while this seems like a silly story of superficial beauty, it was a huge factor that negatively affected my self-image growing up and, today, I'm still shaking the roots of that off.  I'm confident I'm not alone in having those tiny physical "imperfections" (as I understood them to be) wreck havoc on my self-image, which then withers one's self-confidence. I'm so thankful to be at a point in life where I'm not concerned about what other people think about my appearance; there are so many other, authentically important, things in life that are more deserving of my attention and energy. It took a while to get there though. 

What ever your "freckles" are, I hope you can learn to appreciate them or at least neutrally tolerate them. What ever your kids, spouse, friend's "freckles" are, let them know that they're an awesome part of who that person is. What you look like outside doesn't determine or indicate who you are inside but it's a package deal so if you're going to love the person inside, you've got to love the unique package they came in. 

Here are a few classic moments for my freckle friends out there:
That moment when you wonder how you got dirt on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize that it's a freckle; a part of your face.

That moment when you fall asleep on the couch in the sun and wake up with half a face of brilliant freckles and the other half their same, dull colour. 

That moment when you cross your eyes and instead of seeing flesh-tone, you see a brown blob. That would be the freckles.

That moment when you go outside and it feels like your freckles are having a party in sunshine and you just know they're going to be three times darker by the time you go inside.

That moment when you wonder how you got chocolate on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize it's that same freckle you tried to wash away a few days ago.

Receiving Much Through Great Loss

The past few months have been life changing for us and we would like to take the opportunity to share with you a little bit about what we have gained through a most joyous and saddening experience. We believe this experience has been a great gift to us and the best way to honour a gift is to share it with others. So here's our story.

On Thanksgiving we received the greatest gift; the news that we were going to be parents! At first we felt shocked and it took a few days for the news to actually sink in. Right away we went to see a doctor because I wasn't sure if I could continue taking my sleeping pills (aka, my "pills to help me stop dreaming and start sleeping like a normal person"). While at the doctor I asked him over and over again to write me an extra prescription, you know, just in case this wasn't really happening. He thought I was crazy but I just couldn't believe the wonderful gift we had received. It was too good to be true. 

But it was true! 

We were able to share the news with my entire family that day who were as shocked as we were but extremely happy to welcome into the family the first grandbaby and niece/nephew. The hardest thing at that point was trying not to tell the whole world about this reason for great joy in our lives! 

Things were great until the exact day I hit 6 weeks. Another 4 weeks of horrendous nausea then set in but by this time we were beginning to anticipate who our baby would become, the ways we would welcome it into our family and all the hopes and dreams we had for him/her. At this point it was hard to be so extremely happy and excited but to know that anything could happen since it was still a very fragile time for the baby. We were counting down the days until week 12 so that we could finally feel confident that this baby was going to be ours; a part of our family, our first child and the object of all the love we could give them! 

That very day we were anxiously anticipating finally came but our hopes were dampened when we had to make a trip to the hospital emergency because something wasn't quite right. We were reassured and told their wasn't anything we could do for better or for worse except wait it out and hope for the best. The next day we had such a wonderful day together, probably one of the best since me becoming so sick from all the side affects of pregnancy. This day together and with friends was truly a gift because the next day we woke up to the most devastating event of our lives. 

I won't go into detail but it was a long 2 days spent at the hospital. As soon as I woke up that morning I just knew that it was over. The baby was gone; certainly not from our hearts but from this world. Like most awful situations we find ourselves in, it felt like we were living in a nightmare. I just wanted to wake up and have it not be real; to not feel that emptiness of losing someone that I loved so much but never even got to meet. Through the love, support and prayers of our friends and family we made it through those tough days and experienced a peace through it all that was truly beyond what we were capable of cultivating ourselves. 

Now we begin a new chapter of our lives. We will forever be parents of our precious little baby we watched, with hopeful anticipation, grow for 12 weeks but we will wait a lifetime before we get to meet him or her. We want to share this story with you because despite the immense sadness and pain we have experienced through it, we believe that through our baby we have received enormous gifts that, perhaps, we couldn't have received otherwise except through our baby.

As we look back on the events of the past week we realize there is still so much to be thankful amidst the pain. We are thankful for the gift of becoming parents and getting to experience the indescribable love you can have for someone even before you know them. I have never experienced love like this before and even though now it hurts, we are both thankful to have been able to love in this way. 

It's not the ideal situation to bring this to our attention but we are thankful for  all the loving, generous, caring  people who surround us! It's in moments of great joy or great sadness that we are immediately surrounded by a community of those who care dearly for us, ready and willing to support us in any and every way possible! Experiencing this type of relationship is truly what makes life great. 

We are thankful for the care we were given through the health care system and the relieve from work that was generously offered by both our employers. It was such a gift to spend the last week together without having to balance work among the physical and emotional healing that had to take place. In addition to that, my mom came up for a few days to help out and just to be here, which might have been a simple act but helped enormously in Josh and I getting what we need to heal.

We are thankful for the way this baby has brought us closer together. We have never loved each other more than in the moment when we were able to be there for one another as we both experienced deep pain and sadness. The baby has shown us how to love each other more, not because we weren't doing a good job before, but because this experience has increased our capacity for love and has brought us together in doing so. Even though in June we won't be able to hold our baby, like we hoped and dreamed of, we will be able to hold each other and that is a gift. 

I am indescribably thankful for Josh who has been the most amazing man through this entire situation. He has gone to unbelievable efforts to serve me, love me and help me through this emotionally and physically difficult time. He serves me with a generous and loving heart and I know that with him around, I will always be well cared for. This has also been a great comfort to my family who know that Josh is here for me in every way they wish they could be. I am sad that our baby won't grow up with the amazing and awesome dad that I know Josh would have been for our child. However, I trust that he/she knew how much their daddy loves them because Josh made sure to love our baby in every way he could while they were still with us. He made sure to talk to them almost every night, pray for them, and take care of their mom in absolutely every way possible.

I am thankful for the opportunity to better understand people who go through similar situations so that we can offer our help and support to them. Pregnancy loss is actually quite common even with all our medical knowledge and advancements. It's said that around 1 in every 6 pregnancies will end with miscarriage and that's only including losses that occur before 20 weeks. This isn't something we ever wanted to experience but now that we have, we both feel it's important to use our experience to help others. I hated feeling like I had done something wrong and that I was the only person I knew who was going through this, which is, in part, why we want to be open about our experience so that other people know they aren't alone. 

Finally, we are thankful for our faith, which we have turned to especially in our pain and sadness. We know what we believe in and Who we believe in, which is great comfort when your world seems to collapse around you. We believe in prayer and can testify to its work in our lives especially at this time. We can't even describe the ways that we have felt cared for and comforted even in those lonely moments where all you can do is weep. We have experienced a genuine peace through this all, which doesn't mean it was painless and easy, but that in almost every moment we know that it's going to be okay because we are part of a greater plan. We don't believe that God's plan for our life was to make us hurt and suffer. However, we do believe His plan was to care for us and impart great blessing through a horrible situation. We trust that He is caring for our baby in heaven and are thankful that our little one is with Him now because it was what was best for him/her. I would much rather go through this difficult time than have a child who struggles with quality of life because of developmental or health challenges. We wanted the absolute best for our baby and will endure this pain joyfully, knowing that it was what was best for them! 

Thank you for your support, love and prayers at this time. Thank you for journeying with us through this time, even if it was simply through reading this post. What we ask of you now is that you show the same love and support to others going through tough times, just as we were cared for. 

Not all is loss in tragedy but we must be willing to give and receive in order to overcome and help others do the same. Even the greatest loss is part of a bigger plan and it's up to us to see what we can be thankful for and trust despite what we cannot see. -S-

_______________________________________________________________

I don't know what to say after that. Sam is really good with words and being able to express in the way that she has, especially considering what she just went through physically and mentally, is truly amazing. Thank you for everything, for being a part of our lives and for being our friends.  -J-

Sweet Lemons

Click for photo source

It's true. We have taken quite a long blog hiatus, which I'm thinking is something that happens to most bloggers at one point in time or another. But it's official, we're back!

I have spent quite a while trying to think of what to blog about, which is in part why it has taken so long to get a new one up! I've been struggling with the balance between writing an update and being realistic about what the past several months have been like for us without venturing into the realm of online oversharing! The result is summarized in this entry's title: Sweet Lemons....because our life has been a combination of the sweet and the sour.

2012 has been a year of significant growth for us and we're still going strong, which of course is not without pain. We have been working through the dynamics of marriage in the context of sporadic long distance relationship and being at the whim of the military. It often feels like we're functioning in high gear and then have bursts of shifting into overdrive, which is exhausting, straining but certainly gets us where we're going! Since Josh's return last winter we have been trying to get our lives together, which is tough when one member of team Salmon Eye has to go away every once in a while for a month at a time. Josh has been doing lots of training, which is good for his career but has been tough when it comes to us settling into life. We're really working hard not to see his departures are interruptions but to make our life work alongside them. Definitely not something that happens over night! On the positive though it looks like after the next few weeks he spends in Kingston, Ontario, Josh will be around the Edmonton area for the rest of the year. It's the military though so we never see it as a guarantee but that's what we're looking forward to and will make adjustments if necessary.

I guess the best way to sum up what we've been going through is trying to figure out how to function together and alone and then to readily transition between the two. We're doing our best but it's been a tough go with lots of late night conversations, several appearances by Angry Sam and Frustrated Josh, and a lot of asking "What are we going to do?!". Along this tough journey we have constantly found it important to do what we can to see help outside ourselves because, quite honestly, no one can fix things alone. One of the measures we're taking is seeking marriage counseling, not necessarily to fix anything major but to tidy things up a bit and get equipped for an even better future! I don't think there's any shame in getting counseling because it's a lot more healthy to have a third person helping you walk through things than just going around in viscous circles between the two of you. Counseling has been an enlightening and funny experience for us...funny because sometimes we maybe don't take it as seriously as we should but we still walk away with a lot of good things :)

Ok so that's a little insight into the sour things we've been experiencing lately. I hope that wasn't oversharing but it just wouldn't feel right to paint a picture of pure bliss for the past several months when we have experienced the good alongside the bad.

And that brings us to the sweet things! A really big one is the purchase of our first home! Well, we more feel like we're borrowing it from the bank because right now they're technically the ones who own it but we're the ones who get to rip it up inside and make it look nice! We've been working hard for months to renovate our 1200sqft, 1949, 5 bedroom, semi-bungalow in Edmonton. It's been coming along slowly but surely. I wish I could be more like the people who come by to visit from time to time and notice significant changes in what has been done because when you're living in it sometimes seems like you're getting no where! We also have an awesome roommate living with us who is lots of fun, makes great lattes (so I'm told) and is a super amazing helper with house renos! She's pretty brave to live with this crazy married couple in such a cozy (...another word for small) house but we appreciate it a lot! For those of you who are interested I will post pictures of the house one of these days but I just don't feel good doing it while it's so chaotic! You're always welcome to stop by though!

Another sweet thing has been that we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I know that some people say it goes by quickly but when you spend so much time apart it kind of passes by slowly but that just means that it seems like we've enjoyed a longer amount of time to grow together over the past 2 years. 

Well that's about it for now. Thanks for reading! I hope you were able to take something away from our honesty whether it's gaining a little insight into our function dysfunction or reflecting a bit on your own life. 

Life eh? What a journey!

merci.

I'm your guy and you're my girl! (that's a little tune we sing from time to time)

Today I am thankful for Josh.

I'm just going to straight up give you a sappiness warning. I tried to censor the sap but it's hard to do that when I'm just being honest.  

 I could spend at least 30 days straight writing about why and how I am thankful for Josh! I was going to hold out for a bit before writing this post because it's one of the easiest things to be thankful for because he's just so awesome! What made me decide to go for now was the briefing I went to last night for spouses preparing for their partners to return from Afghanistan. Listening to the social worker go through the points of what to expect, what some hardships might be and suggestions for this transition time, made me realize I truly did marry the greatest guy out there! Our time apart has certainly not been easy but Josh has been so amazing through out all of it and I know will only continue with that once he comes home! So many of the points that were mentioned didn't even apply, which I attribute to Josh being who he is and all the great things he brings into our relationship. That's not to say soldiers who do have those struggles are any less than Josh because I can only imagine how difficult it is and there are a wide range of circumstances in which soldiers are returning home to. 

In my opinion, what has significantly contributed to the ease of transitioning back and forth from life together and apart is Josh's pursuit of simply serving me. There have been many times even during the past when he could have reacted negatively or harshly to something I brought up. Instead of deferring to his tendency to get defensive, he steps back to think of what I need in that moment and how he can serve me. Honestly, I'm not always deserving of this but he does it for me anyways, which is so important in helping diffuse what ever has got me so worked up (...and sometimes it doesn't take much!). During the briefing they talked about soldiers acting angrily towards their loved ones, which is a perfectly normal experience that all the other women shared in their experience. However, I don't feel Josh ever went through that because he was so concerned about giving me what I needed that his needs came second. I think I'm the one with the anger problems in this situation, which is yet another thing Josh deals with in love and grace towards me. What a great guy!

Another one of Josh's strengths is his sense of humour. Yes, there are moments (quite few actually) when I've had a hard time with his silliness and jokes but we have both grown so much in this area and I can confidently say I'm thankful for my goofy guy! He has been so thoughtful during this time to balance his silliness with seriousness and he does that mostly for me. However, I absolutely love the ways he makes me laugh because it's so unique to Josh. He's just so quarky and I think one of the funniest things is that he genuinely cracks himself up. Sometimes I laugh more at this fact than the actual funny thing! His sense of humour is so much a part of who he is that his alter-ego, "Sleepy Josh", is a total goof ball who will make jokes and talk in silly voices even though Josh is completely asleep. I miss just joking around with him and I'm so thankful for all the fun that we have together! I'm also thankful for the ways Josh forgives me for when I'm a fun killer and he reminds me that life doesn't always have to be serious!

I'm thankful for Josh's desire to grow and mature in his own character so that he can be a better husband and the best version of himself possible! His willingness to learn is amazing, which is evidenced in the small notebook he carries around and keeps notes about things to work on. I'm thankful that he forgives me for not always being patient as he continues to grow in certain areas or as fast I should like. I am thankful for all the ways he has grown over the years, especially in the past year. The changes in his life from even 2 1/2 years ago is huge and I trust that they're not just surface changes because I see the dedication, commitment and desire he puts into becoming the best man possible. I'm thankful that he lets me help him and listens to my suggestions (ahem...ok maybe sometimes they come across more as criticisms) even though I have the tendency to repeat them like I'm beating a dead horse (I don't like that cliche but it perfectly sums up this bad habit of mine).

I'm thankful for Josh's commitment to me, which is life long and absolutely unwavering. Josh is one of the most loyal and honest people out there. My goodness, he can't even force himself to deceive me about when he's coming home even after I've given him permission, and even encouraged him to! He's always been an all or nothing guy and when it comes to me, I think we all know what end of the spectrum he has stood on since high school! His commitment also shows in tasks he undertakes whether it's helping someone move or getting through five seasons of a tv show :) 

I'm thankful for all the ways he's contributed to my life and made me a better person. One of the biggest influences is his ability to help me not stress about things, which I'm noticing is a struggle to do when he's not here. He has helped me become so much healthier mentally because I was basically torturing myself with stress and worry, which he shows me is unproductive and harmful. I do have relapses though but in those moments I can rely on him to help set my priorities straight and regain some perspective. I have to admit that the classic saying, "opposites attract" is fairly accurate in our relationship because in so many ways we are complete opposites! This can divide people but it can also bring closer together than ever when they're willing to allow the other's strengths to build up their own weaknesses. Even though it can drive me crazy how particular Josh is about keeping things organized, I have to admit it is rather helpful when I'm running around at the last minute looking for that last little thing I need before heading out the door. Being with Josh has made me a better person and he continues to challenge me to only further grow and develop myself. Thanks guy!

I could go on and on...and on with sharing how amazing Josh is but I'm going to wrap it up with this last piece. I'm thankful for how Josh makes me feel. He always makes me feel listened to, even when what I'm saying isn't something he agrees with or necessarily appreciates. He goes out of his way to make me feel loved every single and doesn't let a day go by when he doesn't remind me how beautiful and cherished I am. He makes me believe in myself and gives me confidence when I struggle. And, although some women might not like this, he most definitely treats me like a princess and I like it! (not the snobby, too good for you princess though but he does like to spoil me like I'm a princess!). 

What can I say, my husband is great and I truly could not have asked for anyone better! Trust me, I'm a picky girl (haha something I'm also thankful for Josh dealing with in grace and forgiveness). I'm so proud of who he is and who he is striving to become. He has all of my confidence, belief and, of course, my love. I appreciate him for everything he does for me. And after a year of marriage, I'm even happier than the day I married him to get to spend the rest of my life with him! Some things were just meant to be I suppose :)

gracias.

Today I am thankful for video chat.

This has been my main means of communication with Josh over the past five months and without skype and google chat, we would have mostly been limited to email. I have spent much time complaining about the poor connection and the frustrations we have had when trying to video chat. Sometimes it felt that trying to have a conversation was most difficult than just not talking at all. That's how I felt after broken connections and hangups that took up about 40 minutes out of every hour and I think it's true that in some cases it would have been better just to not even try! However, it has been good to use video chat with Josh even though it is rare that we get through a conversation without any trouble and even more rare that we get to use the video function!
Today I was able to skype with my mom while she's in Malaysia and she gave me a whole tour of the gorgeous place she's staying in. It's amazing to be able to share something visually with another person even when they're miles away! We're also able to stay connected with my grandparents who have frequent skype chats throughout the day with their family members.
I was also reminded of the value of this technology today when some parents were saying their daughter knows her cousins in the States via their interactions on skype. Even in the Gilchrists' home skype (or the equivalent apple program, ichat) is used at least once every other day to talk with Julianne's parents. It's great that the girls' grandparents can interact with them when in person visits aren't able to happen very often.
As simple as it is, I'm thankful for this piece of technology that helps us stay connected with family and friends throughout the globe. Of course in-person visits are preferable but when distance prevents that from happening, it's great to have such an accessible alternative. Maybe when we're able to communicate via holograms, or better yet, just transport across the world, we might look back and laugh about how simple video chat seems. But for now, I am thankful for it.

dankbar.

What better to represent health than an apple?

Today I am thankful for health.

Some of you may be thinking it's ironic that I am thankful for health considering that over the past years it seems like staying healthy is a constant battle. When it comes to good health, this just isn't my strength because I constantly seem to be getting sick! If it wasn't my tonsils (good thing those guys are gone!) it was stomach aches or nose bleeds or back problems or concussions or, my goodness, even shingles! However, today I was at the medical lab getting blood test done (haha, ironically it's because I've been sick for a month and the doctor wanted to check into it) and I reflected on all the "haves"rather than the "have nots"when it comes to my health. Here's what I came up with:
-I have a body that doesn't function perfectly but it is more than able to get me around and function in this world without any challenges (with the exception of my lack of proprioception so sometimes I directly walk into stationary objects!)
-I have all of my limbs, fingers and toes. This is a good thing!
-All of my senses work very well and I only need the help of glasses when I'm particularly tired
-I am well enough to get up from bed and enjoy a long day out and about
-I don't any allergies (other than the fluffies from kleenex but that doesn't really count)
-Even though I've had some pretty serious illnesses in the past, I've never had to spend a night in a hospital
-I've never had to have surgery except to get rid of my tonsils and wisdom teeth (this is a good thing because the anesthetics make me an emotional wreck!)
-I've only broken one bone, which was enough to give me understanding of what that sensation is like and the joys of having a cast (I think that was secretly on my list of things to do, just once)
-I am not required to have a strict diet and I can eat pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean it's good for me but it's not something I constantly have to be thinking about
-I have a ridiculous metabolism (or something of the sort) so I've never had to battle with weight


 I was sitting there waiting for my blood test and looking around at the people there who come in on a regular schedule to get their tests run every few weeks. I might not be perfectly healthy but I am thankful that a visit to the doctor, blood clinic or the hospital is not part of my regular schedule because I enjoy a disease free life! It's easy to be annoyed with the flu bugs, colds, viruses, infections and other small maladies that kick us down for a bit (or maybe even a month) but this is nothing to what some people go through every day. I'm thankful for the health I DO have especially when there are many who are not as fortunate. 


If you can agree with any of the points I listed above, then I hope that you can also be thankful for your health because it's something we can easily take for granted. 


Finally, let's be thankful for the opportunity to receive health care in the instances where our health isn't perfect. In Canada we have access to a multitude of health services, much of which we don't need to pay for out of our pocket. Beyond what's covered by the government, many people have employer benefits, which will sometimes even pay for massages! How great is that? So, not only do I have lots to be thankful for in regards to my own health, I also am thankful for access to limitless services to improve my health in virtually any way it's required. The health care system isn't flawless and there are many frustrations that I'm sure we've all experienced but we are given so much as many others die from illnesses we can treat at home. 
If you're interested, check out some stats here. We are so fortunate!  

riconoscente.

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Today I am thankful for Canada.

Remembrance Day is a time when all Canadians have the opportunity to reflect on the value of freedom and the sacrifices of those who fought for the peace and freedom we are blessed with in our country. We are so fortunate to live in a nation where we can feel safe leaving our home, speak our minds without fear, practice any religion without condemnation, petition our concerns before our politicians, travel wherever and whenever we want, and are entitled to a comprehensive list of rights that are honoured and preserved by the government. Of course our country, government and all citizens of Canada are not perfect. In fact, they're far from it! However, at least we live in a place where we have an opportunity to work towards improvement and growth without fearing for our lives and the well being of our family. Without the freedom that others have fought for on our behalf, there's no telling if we would enjoy this same quality of living today.
I want to share a few stories with you that have helped put our freedom into perspective for me:
One morning I woke up to a loud explosion that shook the walls of my house. I was so suddenly woken up that for a while I was convinced I had imagined that in my half asleep state. When I got up I eventually asked one of my roomates if she heard something strange or maybe felt the walls shake like I had. Good thing I asked because she was doubting it happened too! It turns out there was an explosion at a nearby plant and even though it was roughly a kilometer away, it was fairly startling! A few were injured but no one was killed in the explosion, thankfully. It made me realize that some people, too many, have this experience of explosions and bombs nearly every day! Not only that, they go about their day never knowing if these explosions are going to take their business, their home, their life or the life of a loved one. I can't even imagine living in that horror of constantly hearing explosions but never knowing when or where they will happen!
I remember the story someone shared with me about her experience speaking with Afghans about the war and the role of American and Canadian soldiers. One woman had lost her son during an air raid back when the USA first invaded Afghanistan in 2001. She asked the woman if she was angry at the western soldiers for causing this great loss in her family. Her response was an absolute no. Despite the tragic and unjust death of her son she was thankful for the soldiers because they were fighting for her people; her son's death was a sacrifice made on behalf of the greater good for her country. I'm thankful to live in a country where we aren't required to make such enormous sacrifices simply to battle for the rights we are entitled to as humans.
Finally, I think of women around the world who are oppressed, discriminated against and abused simply based on their gender. They are denied access to education, are restricted in their day to day activities and will always be viewed as the lesser gender, some even going as far to considering them only slightly above the most disliked animals. I cannot imagine being subject to this treatment simply because I'm a woman but, sadly, for some women this is all they have known. I'm thankful that I have the same rights as a man in this country and even though there are many ways to improve in the issue of gender discrimination, I can still make my own decisions, go where I want (with or without a man!), seek justice when I have been wronged and have access to all the services our country offers. My heart mourns for women in the world who have not, and perhaps never will, experience these things. 
Today I give thanks for being a citizen of a free nation, which was not because of anything I did but because I was blessed to have been born here. I think of those who work so hard to escape from their country and government so they can have a better life in Canada. I am thankful for our free country, which has much room for improvement but provide us with so much because of those who came before us and fought for it.