The Day Everything Changed.

Photo Credit: LaPrimaDonna (Creative Commons)

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned that the weeks and months have gone by so quickly. I honestly couldn't relate to this feeling because, for me, this past year has seem to go by excruciatingly slowly. When days are filled with grief, pain, hardships, and a whole lot of personal growth, time doesn't rapidly turn into weeks and months; rather, it gets broken down into hours and minutes that seem like they will last forever. This is what much of the past year has been like for us.

A year ago today marks the day that everything in our world changed. In a moment we went from being expectant parents to being childless parents. From a couple with the greatest hopes and dreams for our baby, to a couple forced to accept that we would never see any of these come to fruition. From knowing the joy of new life growing within, to experiencing that same life being so quickly and involuntarily taken away. Since the loss of our first baby, we have experienced a subsequent pregnancy loss along with the disappointment of being denied approval as a foster care home after months of being highly invested and advanced in the process.

If it was up to me, this wouldn't have been how things unfolded. It's hard to believe that a year later now, we are still childless parents. This is certainly not a role you expect to find yourself in when you think of starting a family! However, this is our reality, it is part of our story and, regretfully, there is nothing we can do to go back and re-write it. What we have been able to do is determine how we allow it to shape the parts of our story that have yet to unfold. If you'd allow me, I'd like to share just a few of the many things we have learned through this journey.

The saying "you won't be given more than you can handle" is a lie. 

I guess it depends on how you define "handle". There have been moments where the only evidence of me being able to "handle" things was simply the fact I was still alive. Beyond that, it was as if every part of me inside was completely ripped apart because, the reality was, it was more than I could handle. When the pain seems unending and the notion of hope seems unreachable, this unfounded promise provides little comfort. What I found more helpful was to know that this kind of heart-wrenching pain and deadness of spirit is a real experience that needs to run its course. There is value in not only affirming the current experience (as awful as it might be) but also partnering that with the hope that it won't always be like this.

This experience has made me a better parent

This is a weird concept especially considering that we don't have any kids to parent at this time. However, I know that through this experience we have gained skills and understanding that will make us better parents when the time does come. We will not only value the lives of our future babies that much more because of this, but we have also grown individually and as a couple in huge ways that will contribute positively to the lives of our children. We certainly would have done a decent job without having gone through this experience but we now have skills and knowledge that we could not have gained any other way. In particular, we have learned that being a parent isn't about bringing fulfillment to us. We wouldn't have reflected on this concept if we hadn't been challenged through this specific journey. I believe that if I can't be happy without a baby, I'm not going to be happy just because I have a baby. This journey has given us the chance to look within ourselves and get centered first so that we truly be fulfilled individuals that can then offer wholeness to our future children. We never expected a baby to fulfill us or to complete our lives but in our decision making after each loss, we have had to honestly question our motives: do we just want to have a baby to make us feel better and fulfilled or do we want to have a baby because we have prepared a healthy environment for them to thrive in? In no way have we arrived at the pinnacle of everything we have to offer as parents, but I do recognize that we have gained a lot in this experience that I am thankful we can now offer to our future children.

Grief and loss is a journey that you have to go through

What I mean by this is there is no short-cut, easy way to experience grief and loss. Unless you fully journey through it, in all the misery and pain that includes, you are losing out on the one positive thing that can come from an otherwise awful experience. I have seen it's possible to do whatever it takes to put it behind you and just "get over it" but I don't actually believe this accomplishes anything other than allowing things to compound in the background over time.

It's ok to be sad

This sounds obvious when it's put like that but I challenge you to consider how you might have suggested otherwise to someone, or to yourself, in the midst of grief. Sometimes sadness gets mistaken for weakness, emotional unhealthiness, just overall not dealing with things well (whatever that means...), etc. If I show sadness it's because what I have gone through is sad. And guess what, a year later, it's still sad! How can losing a child ever not stop being sad? That's why tears occasionally trickle down my cheeks while I write this, or why seeing a new mom hold their baby evokes a pain inside as I remember I don't get to hold mine, or why I tear up a little bit when people ask when we're going to have kids. These are not at all a reflection of how I'm doing, my strength, or ability in dealing with what I've experienced. It is however a reflection that I have and am dealing with these losses because I am confronting the reality that it is, in fact, sad. These sad moments use to hit me like a train over and over again every single day. Now, they are less severe but are none the lest part of my regular experience and I expect they always will be. I've heard that losing someone is like having a limb amputated. You might go for longer periods where it goes unnoticed because it's become your new normal but there will always be moments when you are aware of the loss. My own pride and a fear of being perceived as weak are reasons why I won't always show the sadness on the outside. However, it's also because I worry others will misunderstand my sadness for something negative when, in reality, it's an important part of me being in a healthy place!

Theses are just a few of the many things that I could share with you about what I have taken away from what we have experienced in the past year. You don't have to agree with all of them but maybe it helps you understand a bit of what we have walked through. If you ever want to hear more, we are always open to sharing if it would be of value to you.

When I was a kid, I thought things could only get easier. I had no idea how hard life could be and, even after going through all this, I'm still surprised at how difficult it can be! However, I can testify to the fact that hardship is just for a season and that there is hope in the end. It is that hope that we keep holding on to and that hope you are able to hold to in the midst of great challenges.

The Reason I Wear a Poppy

Image from here, which has a interesting article about rosemary as a symbol of remembrance

It's that time of year again when poppies have made their way onto store counter tops, pinned to jackets and sweaters of the Canadian public and onto Facebook in the form of images, often with a short caption of remembrance. As I spend the Remembrance Day weekend with my military husband who has just returned from 3 weeks in the field, I wanted to share my own reasons for why I wear a poppy.

As a sometimes overly pragmatic and rational individual, I need to understand the purpose of making a silent statement through a symbol before just picking up a poppy and wearing it because that's what Canadians do around Remembrance Day. In the past few years particularly, I have asked myself why is it meaningful and valuable to wear a poppy? And now, with the introduction of the white poppy, why am I choosing to wear a red poppy? Here are my thoughts on the matter in case you're interested in hearing them:

First off, it's important for me to make it known that I support the military. I don't necessarily agree with all their decisions, procedures and certainly not how they operate on a daily basis but, big picture wise, I support what they do. I'm thankful to live in a country where military efforts are primarily focused on making the world a safer and more-just place for individuals beyond our borders. It's a far from perfect system and I recognize that not all military efforts are altruistic but the bottom line is that we have a military that aims to promote peace, not sabotage it. Through wearing a poppy I want to show that I am in favor of our military and, particularly, of the men, women and their families who give up a great deal to serve our country and our world. As a military wife, seeing someone wearing a poppy makes me thankful that they acknowledge my husband's work, the sacrifice it takes and the people who have come before him in that role.

Related to this point, it's important to me that I wear a poppy for the veterans and their surviving family members who have been directly affected by war and loss. I am thankful it's not me who gets sent overseas and I'm thankful my husband safely returned from his tour in 2011 (wow, that long ago already?). But that's not everyone's story. I want to show my support and respect the families who loss something great so that our country and our world could be a better place. WWII has been over for decades but the legacy of the veterans and the depth of loss that was experienced is still very real today. The ripple effect of lives lost and lives changed through war goes on for generations, which is why remembering veterans of WWI and WWII, as long ago as they may have been, is still relevant.

Now, when it comes to the white poppy, I can't say I'm completely against the concept like some people who have very loudly expressed their opposition. I like peace! I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to. However, the idea that peace is the absence of war and therefore the absence of militaries, is not possible in our broken world. Fact is, people make mistakes and in so long as this is true, I believe we need authority in the form of government, police and, yes, military when human error, poor judgement and selfishness compromises peace. So, while I like the idea of a white poppy and promoting the idea of peace, I don't think it can be a stand alone statement. The white poppy represents what I desire for our world, while the red poppy represents our reality and those who have sacrificed in the pursuit of peace. While both these concepts are important to me year-round, I chose to wear a red poppy during this short season as a small act of expressing its value to me, and pursue the concept of the white poppy through my actions and interactions each day.

Now that I think of it, this is related to something I posted a few years ago. You can check that out here.

-S

Learning to Love Freckles

So freckly! I use to hate this picture just because of that fact. Thanks, Lynae, for the photo!

Hey there. It's been a while since we've just written a blog post for the fun of writing so here goes a shot at it after a long hiatus.

With the much anticipated arrival of spring, and soon summer, I have also welcomed the coming of more freckles to my growing collection. Anyone with freckles can likely testify that one's relationship with their freckles can be quite challenging. I'm happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I'm actually glad to see them flourish in the warm spring sun. It has been quite a long journey to this point that I'm going to recap for my freckled and non-freckled comrades alike.

Many years ago now, there was a time before freckles. Hard to believe now that they've taken up permanent residency on my face and have only exponentially multiplied since. At first it was strange but everyone seemed to be excited that there were brown spots spontaneously appearing on my nose. I was too little to care about what they looked like; more than anything I was perplexed by these strange spots gradually taking over my face. 

For a while they were fun and I didn't mind them, especially in that time before you start worrying what other people think when they look at you. Ever so gradually though I began to resent these ever-increasing spots that rudely appeared without my permission or control. I then started trying to control their spread with sunscreen, thinking that if I applied enough, there was no way the sun could coax more out of my otherwise pale skin. Wrong. 

Many people will remember the classic book, Freckle Juice by Judy Blume. Reading this book was a memorable day in my life because it gave me hope there was a cure! Strange that I held hope in a freckle cure while entirely understanding the fictional nature of this book. However, it planted the idea in my head that might be a way to rid myself of them indefinitely. Now, this is the point where non-freckled people will look perplexed and wonder why anyone would want to get rid of their precious freckles (or at least that's what it has felt like in the past). Here was my perspective at the time: there were brown dots, spots and splotches taking over my face at an overwhelmingly increasing rate. I no longer could remember what my face looked like as a "normal" colour, instead I was stuck looking like pale giraffe. The thought of regaining my "real" face back was a dream that had been sparked by Judy Blume. I set off to research the topic through the most high-tech means I had available at the time: the digital library catalogue at school. I mean, it was a huge step up from the index cards because I could directly put my query into the search bar. Awesome! The memory is a bit cloudy but I seem to remember learning about some sort of chemical compounds that could be applied to remove specific pigmentation from the skin. I didn't care if it permanent burned my skin, I wanted to be free of my freckles!!! 

Fast forward a decade later. My resentment had only increase along with the emergence of new, unwelcomed freckles. It didn't matter how many people told me they were "nice" or "cute", I could not appreciate them in the slightest. 

And then things changed. Honestly, it was probably when I married Josh because he makes it extremely well known how much he loves my freckles. In his mind they have always been an inseparable part of me and therefore he loves them just as much as he loves me (which is a lot!). It took a few years of hearing, on a regular basis, "I love your freckles! They are so beautiful!". After years of rejecting their value and appeal it took quite a while for those words to penetrate my skepticism. Josh has helped me see that if I don't love myself the way I am, the way that Josh loves me, then it's an insult to him because it says he's wrong in loving those things about me. I wouldn't say I'm overly enthusiastic about my freckles, especially while they're still a contributing factor to why people still mistake me for a teenager. However, I have the attitude of: if you can't beat them, join them!

I share this because, while this seems like a silly story of superficial beauty, it was a huge factor that negatively affected my self-image growing up and, today, I'm still shaking the roots of that off.  I'm confident I'm not alone in having those tiny physical "imperfections" (as I understood them to be) wreck havoc on my self-image, which then withers one's self-confidence. I'm so thankful to be at a point in life where I'm not concerned about what other people think about my appearance; there are so many other, authentically important, things in life that are more deserving of my attention and energy. It took a while to get there though. 

What ever your "freckles" are, I hope you can learn to appreciate them or at least neutrally tolerate them. What ever your kids, spouse, friend's "freckles" are, let them know that they're an awesome part of who that person is. What you look like outside doesn't determine or indicate who you are inside but it's a package deal so if you're going to love the person inside, you've got to love the unique package they came in. 

Here are a few classic moments for my freckle friends out there:
That moment when you wonder how you got dirt on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize that it's a freckle; a part of your face.

That moment when you fall asleep on the couch in the sun and wake up with half a face of brilliant freckles and the other half their same, dull colour. 

That moment when you cross your eyes and instead of seeing flesh-tone, you see a brown blob. That would be the freckles.

That moment when you go outside and it feels like your freckles are having a party in sunshine and you just know they're going to be three times darker by the time you go inside.

That moment when you wonder how you got chocolate on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize it's that same freckle you tried to wash away a few days ago.