A Little, Big Announcement

Two more tiny feet around The Stauffer house!

I can't count the number of times we have thought of writing this post but just never got to it. It wasn't forgetfulness of from lack of time; there's just so much to say and we didn't know where to start, how much to share, and if we even felt ready to make such a long, difficult journey public when it was still a daily reality for us. Even as I write this now I know I'm not going to come close to saying all that can be said about what the past year has been like for us, not to mention the years of hardship, loss, struggle and pain that are all part of the story in which we are writing a new chapter. What we want to share with you is messy and complex and includes a whole lot of goodness that has come about through a great deal of challenge.

And with that, let's start with some of the goodness:
We had a baby! In fact, yesterday marked the first due date which we can celebrate instead of mourn, which is a gift we often questioned we would ever get to experience. Felix Jonathan Stauffer was born on March 26th at 12:04pm weighing 6lb 14 oz and measuring 20.5 inches. It was a difficult pregnancy so we were thrilled he decided to arrive slightly earlier than his due date but in excellent health and with good measurements (especially considering how sick I had been and how small my baby-growing belly was)! Our home birth was healthy but quite intense (3.5 hours start to finish!) and there was an issue afterwards that resulted in an ambulance trip to the hospital and short stay so I could be monitored for a while to make sure things were ok. Otherwise, the little guy has been doing awesome and wasted no time bulking up from his birth weight and accomplishing all those important baby things - eating, sleeping and pooping!

Here's the little guy at 5 days old and just full of smiles.  We love it! 

If you're reading this and are completely shocked that we had a baby or that we were even expecting in the first place, you are not alone! Because of a few different factors, we kept our news quiet for quite some time and then just didn't get many opportunities to share the news in person since the majority of the pregnancy was spent with me either in bed or on the couch. This pregnancy was tough right from the very beginning so we kept putting off sharing our news until we knew the baby was alright but also until I felt well enough to share the news with genuine excitement and joy. Honestly, although we were incredibly grateful for this precious gift of life, it was unbelievably hard for me to excitedly share this journey with others because I just felt awful, day in and out. I won't go into details but the issue was a collection of odd but still normal pregnancy problems that were, 1. on the "more severe than normal" end of the spectrum, and 2. happening simultaneously, which resulted in almost constant pain throughout my body. During the 38 weeks I was pregnant, there were maybe 2 weeks altogether of scattered days were where I felt close to functional. All the other days were spent just coping and getting through, hoping tomorrow would be better. The days, weeks and months were both physically exhausting (for Josh too as he became full time house-husband during any waking hour not spent at work) and mentally/emotionally taxing as we struggled through dealing with the pain. After countless trips to doctors and specialists, alternative medicine practitioners and even the ER a few times, we came to the conclusion that we just needed to do whatever we could to survive, not losing hope things were going to get better, but confronting the reality that things were just not getting better. After realizing there was nothing more we could do to alleviate the physical difficulties, I started going to counselling as a way of managing my pain and working through the complex emotions I was experiencing . There were fleeting moments on those rare good days when we wanted to share our happy news but usually ended up postponing any kind of big announcements so we could savor the goodness of the moment and attempt to rejuvenate  our weary hearts. In the end, the pregnancy progressively got more challenging and painful, or perhaps it plateaued but we were so exhausted and worn by that point it just felt like the difficulty kept building. We spent most of the last 8 months close to home and much more anti-social than usual because we were in constant survival mode and every activity came at an increasing cost to our already limited energy and my rapidly depleting capabilities. Throw into this mix the difficulties of foster parenting, the dynamics of experiencing pregnancy after loss and a few other general life challenges, and that kind of sums up what we've gone through the last year.

And now, with the arrival of Felix, we begin a new chapter! Most of my pregnancy-related pain is now gone and, once the post-partum craziness settles down, we look forward to me operating from a functional state once again. We don't completely understand why, especially after all we've gone through leading up to this point, this pregnancy was so incredibly difficult but we are choosing to recognize what we have gained and how we have grown through it. This is a lot easier to do now that we have emerged on the other side!

His birth has also brought closure to our journey of infertility and pregnancy loss. These things will always be part of story and will continue to shape us moving forward but now it feels like the brokenness  has come full circle as the pain we endured brought about such an amazing gift. If it wasn't for the babies we had lost, we wouldn't have Little D and we wouldn't have Felix. We wish there was a way to have all our babies with us but, because that's not possible, we make an extra effort to treasure the ones we have been given, knowing that it came at the cost of the ones who came before.

One last thing I want to share with you is the meaning of Felix's name. We picked his first name on the day we found out we were expecting a boy. We didn't want to be the parents who settled on just one name long before even meeting the baby so we did up a decent list of name options. However, Felix instantly stood out to both of us and we could hardly help ourselves from using it when referring to our baby. We think it's an all-round awesome name but we especially value it's meaning in light of what the pregnancy was like and what we hope for our child in the years to come. Felix means "happiness" or "happy one". This pregnancy was far from happy; in fact, happiness was something we had to battle for each day as we struggled just to get through. During most of the pregnancy I grieved the reality that I was not happy about being pregnant and struggled to even be happy about the baby growing inside me; grateful, yes, but happy, often not. With this in mind we chose the name Felix with a prophetic purpose: happiness might not have been what we were experiencing  but it is undoubtedly  what we desire for our child and the life waiting ahead of him. Also, as Felix moved and squirmed inside of me, I got a sense of contentment from him and the word "happiness" just felt fitting. It's incredible to see just how appropriate this name is for him now that we watch and experience him in "the real world"; he really is a happy baby and one of our favorite things is to watch his many, many smiles (some gas-induced but also many spontaneous ones, especially when we talk with him or stroke his face) and even some adorable giggle fits! We look forward to seeing how he continues to grow into the meaning of his name as we hope and pray happiness over him and his future.

His middle name, Jonathan, was also chosen for its meaning: "Jehovah/God has given", or "Gift from God". Felix himself is an incredible gift (not to mention super adorable!) but we have also been given much already through him, even before the day we first held him in our arms. Through the hardships of this pregnancy Josh and I have grown strong as a team. It didn't come easy or quickly but through the months of physical hardship we have learned how to work together and gained a deeper appreciation for one another. I can't even describe how much Josh has done for our family over these months. It's been incredible to see him grow as a husband and father, stepping into these roles in ways that amaze and impress me. As he has taken on more roles, Josh has also gained an appreciation for the things I use to do on a regular basis around the house and with Little D. Growing in our relationship and marriage in this way is a valuable gift to us and our kiddos! Although it's been incredibly hard work, we have really enjoyed this season of working together and deepening our appreciation for one another.
Living in survival mode also helped us slow down and really focus on the day-to-day, soaking in the goodness to be had in each moment. From my headquarters set up on the couch or bed I  was able to spend intentional, focused time with Little D and just value the silly, special moments with him each day. I had to get creative in finding ways to engage him while being physically limited but it was worth the effort because I could say that I genuinely had fun with him nearly every day and I'm certain he was too! Had I not been so laid up, we would have likely been busy being out and about, visiting friends, doing different programming and activities in the community, etc. Those are all good things but in the hustle of the coming and going I often lose sight of being present in the moment and savoring the simple, special moments that happen throughout the day. Living one day at a time and moving at a slower pace helped our family find joy in the ordinary and value in simplicity.
In the challenges of the last year we were also given incredible gifts from friends and family that were so meaningful to us and blessed us richly. People came around us to help with work around the house, taking care of Little D, shopping trips and errands, cooking food for us, and the list goes on! We were, and continue to be, overwhelmed by the generosity of people in our lives and their expression of love and care for us through providing for us in practical ways and supporting us emotionally in this journey. I honestly don't know what would have happened if it wasn't for the help others. Receiving from our friends and family in this way is an invaluable gift, one that we look forward to returning once we get our feet back under ourselves! To everyone who has helped us in any way, we hope we have already let you know how appreciated and value you are but, once again, thank you!!

So, in case you were wondering what on earth happened to The Stauffers over the last several months, now you know! Going forward we are excited for four months together while Josh goes on paternity leave; a much needed break and opportunity for quality time together after a really intense past year! We also look forward to seeing more of our friends and family again now that I'm becoming more able to get out of bed and out of the house more often. This pregnancy sure changed our life rhythm for a time but we are excited to get back into our groove, having gained some valueable  experience and learnings, plus a super awesome baby boy!

In case you're one of those people who love baby bumps,  here's out tiny guy the day before he was born. 

A Year With Little D

Here's the (not-so) little guy telling me about how "bright" and "warm" the sun is. His vocabulary impresses us a daily basis!

This week in our home we celebrated a type of birthday. Or maybe it's more like an anniversary. This week marks one year from when Little D joined our family. In ways it's hard to believe it's been an entire year but at the same time it feels like a very full year, packed with growth and learnings and a whole lot of life and parenting experience!

Most people get 9ish months to prepare for the arrival of a baby. We got a few hours. 

Most people start with a newborn who, for the most part, sticks to sleeping, crying, eating and pooping. We started off with an 8 month old who was teething ferociously, in the middle of a nasty cold and a whopping 22 pounds. (note: my upper body strength sky rocketed those first few weeks of toting around Little D but it was surprisingly painless!)
And while there are always adventures in discovering a little person's temperament, preferences and personality, most people know what their child has been exposed to and experienced from day one and have been significant in shaping that. We knew next to nothing about the little guy coming into our home: who he was, what he'd experience, what he needed as a unique individual from exceptional circumstances...
Needless to say, true to our Stauffer-style, we just don't do things like "most people"!

There is just so much I could share from what we've learned and experienced through having Little D in our home. Certainly lots of incredible moments but also many hardships and surprises that have left their bumps and bruises (and probably some scars too!), coming together to make this a beautifully difficult experience. If you'd like to hear a bit more of what this journey has been like, here are a few of the many things we have learned and experienced that have surprised us over the past year during life with Little D:

Kids are incredible in so many ways.
We are somewhat biased as proud caregivers of Little D but, man, he is one awesome guy! We are continually surprised and impressed by the things he learns and the person he is becoming. He has come so far over this past year and is absolutely thriving even in the face of some significant hardships. Sure we have helped this process along a bit but there's just an intrinsic element of awesomeness in this little guy that can't be quenched. Also, we couldn't have imagined how much we would gain from Little D simply in the process of loving and caring for him. Sometimes all it takes is one little smile, one silly exclamation, or one special snuggle and suddenly everything is right in the world and our hearts are filled. Even if just for a passing moment, this daily gift of joy we receive from Little D continues to amaze and humble us. 

Side note: I really dislike saying "kids are so resilient" because I've heard it too many times as an explanation, or even an excuse, for why kids can go through anything and still be fine. We've seen Little D go through some pretty tough stuff, things that no one (not to mention someone so small!) should ever have to experience. Is he resilient through it all? Absolutely, in so many ways! However, resilient is not the same as unaffected. While resiliency may allow a child to continue moving forward through hardship, there is an injustice to mourn that they've endured such hardships in the first place.

Experiencing love in ways and in a depth we have never before known.
When we found out we were expecting our first baby in 2012 we experienced that instant love that comes when you realize you are a parent that there is a little extension of you in this world outside of yourself. It's mind blowing, amazing and terrifying all at the same time! In some ways loving Little D was very similar to this and in other ways was an entirely different but equally profound experience. He isn't our flesh and blood but we love him just as much as a biological child. No matter what happens in the long term, our love for him has taken permanent residence in our hearts and, because of this, he will always be part of our family.

Nothing could have prepared us for "The System"
We had exceptional training in terms of preparing for the parenting aspect of foster parenting but nothing could have truly prepared us for the wild ride of being part of the system. I won't go into too much detail but it's been incredibly difficult and this probably won't change. As we learn more (hello, baptism by fire!) and add to our experience there are aspects that become easier but the system as a whole is crazy and that's not likely to change. We just gear up for the crazy ride, hold on and prepare for the unknown, the unexpected and the sometimes totally unreasonable.

The dysfunction of "The System" is just a symptom of the greater brokenness in our world.
I'll keep this brief but could easily rant about the dysfunction and injustice we have witnessed and personally experienced because it's been a lot. The symptoms of these huge issues include the perpetuation of trauma in the lives of children and families, the disconnect between caregivers and decision makers, the lack of support and the sheer fact that we live in a world where not all children are raised by their parents, whatever the reasons may be. In this journey we have seen, heard and experienced elements of human brokenness that instantly rip your heart to shreds and compel a desperate but unanswerable "why" from the depths of our beings. This comes as we have our own experiences in "the system" but also as we witness how it impacts Little D, his birth family and many people involved in the in-between. We weren't entirely naive to these things before but regularly experiencing them first hand brings a new perspective and awareness to the matter.

There's something special about togetherness.
Day to day I'm at home with Little D and we regularly have a grand time together spending most of the day laughing and playing and being silly goof balls. Apart from the expected fits and struggles of toddlerhood, there is nothing to suggest he is anything but completely content being at home with me. However, when Josh comes home it's like things become complete for him, as if there was something missing that has now come together. I can't quite describe what the shift is but something changes and he just settles into this place of total contented peace where everything is right in the world because the three of us are together. We also see the other side of this where Little D misses the togetherness of being with his birth mom and having the experience of having all of his caregivers together with him. In these exceptional circumstances, it's a difficult but really amazing thing to be part of making this little guy's world complete!

No matter what we go through, it's worth it. Love is always worth it.
There are days I have doubted our decision to do what we do. We voluntarily put ourselves through what sometimes feels like complete insanity and get pushed to breaking point (and occasionally even past that...), and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? What's worse is that there is no end in sight, there is no good solution, no resolution and it seems like we're on a hamster wheel going nowhere. However, we stay on this crazy ride because loving him is worth it. That is unquestionable and unchangable. It also helps that he's a super easy kid to love, not to mention amazingly adorable (oh how I wish we could show you a picture of this cutie! He is one handsome dude.).

In terms of where we are at in "the process" of fostering, the plan is still to work towards returning Little D to his birth mom full time. There is a complex legal system guiding this process, which is continuing to offer his birth mom every opportunity to do what needs to be done so she can be with Little D full time in the long term. The timeline and dates seem to constantly change but we anticipate there will be a permanent decision made one way or the other some time within the next year; could be more, could be less. If, at the end of this somewhat undefined timeline, it's decided that returning Little D to his birth mom isn't going to work out for the long term then the process of seeking a permanent placement (essentially, adoption) would begin. This is yet another complex system unto itself and it could take years before it's determined where Little D's long term home would be, either staying in our home or moving in with extended biological family. Really, anything can happen! For now though, he's here with us the majority of the time and gets to spend time with his birth mom as much as circumstances allow.

I'm assuming that many of you reading this have journeyed with us in this past year in some capacity, getting some special insight into the the drastic highs and lows of foster parenting and the wild ride we've been on over these 365 days. Thank you for your part in our journey, for whatever time and in whatever capacity that may be: encouragement, support, babysitting, a listening ear, advice giving, prayers, and just being a friend to us. Parenting is a crazy adventure unto itself but fostering adds some very...interesting...elements that have challenged us in ways we couldn't have even imagined and there is no way we could have made it through this year alone.

As a random aside note in response to something we get asked quite a lot, in case you're interested in what Little D calls us, he refers to us as Mama Sam and Papa Josh (or sometimes just Mama/Papa or Sam/Josh depending on how sassy he feels!). He calls his birth mom Mommy and birth dad isn't in the picture at all so he really doesn't have an understanding of the word, "Dad/Daddy". We figured we needed something he could call us that spoke to our meaningful relationship while allowing him to understand the role of his birth mom AND something we would feel comfortable having future foster children or bio-kids calling us. It sometimes gets confusing when other people talk to him since mama and papa aren't commonly used these days but this little guy is sure clever and usually figures out who is being referred to. 

Introducing Little D!

We're excited to announce the addition of baby boy, Little D, to the Stauffer family! As far as we're concerned, he's officially part of our family but we are currently pursing the adoption process of this little one so that he can legally be part of our family. This is a long and complicated process but we are thrilled to have him here with us for the foreseeable future! Because of safety concerns and legalities involved in this we can't give you much more information or share photos of the little guy online (although those are in fact his chubby little feet!) but we look forward to introducing him in person to friends and family!

The adoption process is very complex and unpredictable, particular in this arrangement where Little D hasn't been declared a formal "ward of the state" but essentially it means we desire a permanent home for this little one. What this process looks like right now is for us to facilitate Plan A, which is always for the child to return to their birth family. Despite the dysfunction and chaos in some of those arrangements, it's always, always, always better for a child to be with their biological family provided that their environment is safe enough. For Little D's sake, we hope and pray that his bio family can provide a safe and nurturing home for him to return to. In the mean time, we can provide that for him at our home and also look forward to have him long-term if Plan A doesn't end up working out. This is just one of the many challenges we are discovering in the process because our hearts feel torn in two directions, desiring him to stay with us but also hoping he is able to return to a safe and healthy biological family.

So far it's been an intense transition since we had only a few hours between finding out he was coming to live with us and the moment they brought him through the door. Because the process of building our family has been quite long and challenging for us, we were both very mentally/emotionally ready for this change but the quickness of how this all happened was a bit surprising! Thankfully we've had years of building up our baby supplies so we were sufficiently physically equipped when we found out he'd be joining us. There have been lots of things we have learned already during his short time with us; most of these being about working with "the system" (Child and Family Services) and the unique needs of children in care. We know it's going to be a wild ride but we're thrilled to be on this journey together and are confident it's what we want to devote our lives to with this little guy but, hopefully, more children in the years to come!

I would just like to add that one my absolute favorite parts of this crazy week has been seeing Josh absolutely come alive as a dad. Seeing him interact with our son and the way he has instantly given his heart to the little guy is absolutely amazing. Josh has been an incredible dad over the years as he loved each one of our babies, took care of me while I was pregnant, and remembers each one of our kiddos we miss here on earth. We have considered ourselves parents since the day we found out we were expecting our first baby but I'm thankful that I can now watch him love our baby as he gets to hold him and play with him and feed him and do all those other parenting things we have been missing for years. I look forward to seeing this father-son relationship continue to develop as Little D already loves his Papa Josh (especially when he brings out the quadcopter!).

Return to Civilianship

Today is the day! Master Corporal Joshua Stauffer has officially been released from the military and is now working full time as an installer with Shaw. This was a decision that was long time coming and I think we're both in a bit of shock that it's finally here and happening. It was just under a year ago that I called Josh was he was on a training exercise in Wainwright and told him that I feel done with the military life. I was definitely in a bit of a rough place and having him gone was tough but, for the first time in our relationship, I felt truly done with the military. When I told him that Josh responded with, "Okay. I'll look into the release process as soon as I get back to Edmonton". He knew that this was a very serious claim on my part but also that his time in the military was going to come to an end at some point in the near future as we looked forward to further growing in our marriage and starting a family. Both of which as fairly difficult endeavors while remaining in the military life.

In January we worked hard on his resume and all those hours of editing sure did pay off because he got a call right away from Shaw asking him to come for an interview! Kudos to my mom for her help in this awesome resume-writing process! The day of the interview was far from idyllic in terms of what was going on in our personal lives but Josh must have nailed it despite all this because he got offered a job soon after. The amazing thing is that, from what we knew, it is not common to get an offer after only one interview. I must say I was (and am!) quite the proud wife for having such an awesome husband :)

Initially Josh had planned on giving the military 3 months notice for his last day since the technical requirements is that he only needed to give them 1 month once he had another job lined up. As usual, things on the military end didn't work out as anticipated and they required him to stay in for another 6 months. There is no real reason for this decision or appeal process so we just went with it, trusting that there would be value in Josh spending a few extra months in the military. Yet another huge blessing at this time was the fact that Shaw was incredibly willing to hold Josh's job for the 6 months as he released. We didn't expect them to since that is asking a lot from a future employer but we were so grateful it was offered! During the first bit of his last months in the military Josh was extremely close to being sent to Poland for a mission, which would have drastically changed the course of his release process. Obviously in the end he didn't go but in some ways it was fun to have that last minute, critical change of plans looming over us, as is the military's MO, almost as a last little ho-rah to military life. "Fun" might not be the best descriptor...

And now the day has come that we have been hoping for and anticipating for almost a year. He is officially DONE with the military (*technically they can still call on him for a few more years if there is a national or global crisis but we're thinking the chances of that are fairly slim). Here are some of the key changes we're looking forward to for the first time in our relationship:

• knowing that Josh will be home every night unless we decide to make plans otherwise
• not having to go long stretches of tediously coordinating phone calls that usually have mediocre to poor reception anyways so we spend most of the time saying, "What did you say? Pardon?"
• not having a work number come up on his phone and wondering if he has to suddenly go in to work, or to some forsaken corner of the world, at any hour of the day or night
• not having military kit ALL OVER THE HOUSE (ok, he's gotten a lot better about thing since I've had a few mental breakdowns following too much visual exposure to green cadpat. However, we will still have an interesting collection of military issued items that will be kicking around our place for quite a while yet.)
• not getting into fights the night before a long stretch because we have different ideas about how to spend our time together before he leaves (Josh would spend it packing because he procrastinated earlier in the week and I would be annoyed because I wanted to spend quality time with him while I could!)
• Josh not having to work 24hr shifts at the duty desk, which always seemed to get scheduled on the most inconvenient days
• no more enforced haircut specifications! Just to spite the military a little bit I think his first cut will be a square cut at the back. Ha!
• no more extras! Josh hasn't been given extras in quite some time now but it's nice to know that he will never have to stay late after work to sweep a parking lot because he made a joke about poop to the wrong crowd...

Yes, there will always be things we miss about the military life; one of my top ones being those military issued wool socks! I will still occassionally make Josh call me ma'am, he will still salute me when I bark orders at him and I will certainly require him to show me his special march skills at the most random times and places so as to keep at least a little bit of the military legacy alive and present ;) We are confident this change is what's best for our lives and we look forward to this new career adventure. Welcome to civilian life, Stauffer!

-S

The Day Everything Changed.

Photo Credit: LaPrimaDonna (Creative Commons)

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned that the weeks and months have gone by so quickly. I honestly couldn't relate to this feeling because, for me, this past year has seem to go by excruciatingly slowly. When days are filled with grief, pain, hardships, and a whole lot of personal growth, time doesn't rapidly turn into weeks and months; rather, it gets broken down into hours and minutes that seem like they will last forever. This is what much of the past year has been like for us.

A year ago today marks the day that everything in our world changed. In a moment we went from being expectant parents to being childless parents. From a couple with the greatest hopes and dreams for our baby, to a couple forced to accept that we would never see any of these come to fruition. From knowing the joy of new life growing within, to experiencing that same life being so quickly and involuntarily taken away. Since the loss of our first baby, we have experienced a subsequent pregnancy loss along with the disappointment of being denied approval as a foster care home after months of being highly invested and advanced in the process.

If it was up to me, this wouldn't have been how things unfolded. It's hard to believe that a year later now, we are still childless parents. This is certainly not a role you expect to find yourself in when you think of starting a family! However, this is our reality, it is part of our story and, regretfully, there is nothing we can do to go back and re-write it. What we have been able to do is determine how we allow it to shape the parts of our story that have yet to unfold. If you'd allow me, I'd like to share just a few of the many things we have learned through this journey.

The saying "you won't be given more than you can handle" is a lie. 

I guess it depends on how you define "handle". There have been moments where the only evidence of me being able to "handle" things was simply the fact I was still alive. Beyond that, it was as if every part of me inside was completely ripped apart because, the reality was, it was more than I could handle. When the pain seems unending and the notion of hope seems unreachable, this unfounded promise provides little comfort. What I found more helpful was to know that this kind of heart-wrenching pain and deadness of spirit is a real experience that needs to run its course. There is value in not only affirming the current experience (as awful as it might be) but also partnering that with the hope that it won't always be like this.

This experience has made me a better parent

This is a weird concept especially considering that we don't have any kids to parent at this time. However, I know that through this experience we have gained skills and understanding that will make us better parents when the time does come. We will not only value the lives of our future babies that much more because of this, but we have also grown individually and as a couple in huge ways that will contribute positively to the lives of our children. We certainly would have done a decent job without having gone through this experience but we now have skills and knowledge that we could not have gained any other way. In particular, we have learned that being a parent isn't about bringing fulfillment to us. We wouldn't have reflected on this concept if we hadn't been challenged through this specific journey. I believe that if I can't be happy without a baby, I'm not going to be happy just because I have a baby. This journey has given us the chance to look within ourselves and get centered first so that we truly be fulfilled individuals that can then offer wholeness to our future children. We never expected a baby to fulfill us or to complete our lives but in our decision making after each loss, we have had to honestly question our motives: do we just want to have a baby to make us feel better and fulfilled or do we want to have a baby because we have prepared a healthy environment for them to thrive in? In no way have we arrived at the pinnacle of everything we have to offer as parents, but I do recognize that we have gained a lot in this experience that I am thankful we can now offer to our future children.

Grief and loss is a journey that you have to go through

What I mean by this is there is no short-cut, easy way to experience grief and loss. Unless you fully journey through it, in all the misery and pain that includes, you are losing out on the one positive thing that can come from an otherwise awful experience. I have seen it's possible to do whatever it takes to put it behind you and just "get over it" but I don't actually believe this accomplishes anything other than allowing things to compound in the background over time.

It's ok to be sad

This sounds obvious when it's put like that but I challenge you to consider how you might have suggested otherwise to someone, or to yourself, in the midst of grief. Sometimes sadness gets mistaken for weakness, emotional unhealthiness, just overall not dealing with things well (whatever that means...), etc. If I show sadness it's because what I have gone through is sad. And guess what, a year later, it's still sad! How can losing a child ever not stop being sad? That's why tears occasionally trickle down my cheeks while I write this, or why seeing a new mom hold their baby evokes a pain inside as I remember I don't get to hold mine, or why I tear up a little bit when people ask when we're going to have kids. These are not at all a reflection of how I'm doing, my strength, or ability in dealing with what I've experienced. It is however a reflection that I have and am dealing with these losses because I am confronting the reality that it is, in fact, sad. These sad moments use to hit me like a train over and over again every single day. Now, they are less severe but are none the lest part of my regular experience and I expect they always will be. I've heard that losing someone is like having a limb amputated. You might go for longer periods where it goes unnoticed because it's become your new normal but there will always be moments when you are aware of the loss. My own pride and a fear of being perceived as weak are reasons why I won't always show the sadness on the outside. However, it's also because I worry others will misunderstand my sadness for something negative when, in reality, it's an important part of me being in a healthy place!

Theses are just a few of the many things that I could share with you about what I have taken away from what we have experienced in the past year. You don't have to agree with all of them but maybe it helps you understand a bit of what we have walked through. If you ever want to hear more, we are always open to sharing if it would be of value to you.

When I was a kid, I thought things could only get easier. I had no idea how hard life could be and, even after going through all this, I'm still surprised at how difficult it can be! However, I can testify to the fact that hardship is just for a season and that there is hope in the end. It is that hope that we keep holding on to and that hope you are able to hold to in the midst of great challenges.

The Reason I Wear a Poppy

Image from here, which has a interesting article about rosemary as a symbol of remembrance

It's that time of year again when poppies have made their way onto store counter tops, pinned to jackets and sweaters of the Canadian public and onto Facebook in the form of images, often with a short caption of remembrance. As I spend the Remembrance Day weekend with my military husband who has just returned from 3 weeks in the field, I wanted to share my own reasons for why I wear a poppy.

As a sometimes overly pragmatic and rational individual, I need to understand the purpose of making a silent statement through a symbol before just picking up a poppy and wearing it because that's what Canadians do around Remembrance Day. In the past few years particularly, I have asked myself why is it meaningful and valuable to wear a poppy? And now, with the introduction of the white poppy, why am I choosing to wear a red poppy? Here are my thoughts on the matter in case you're interested in hearing them:

First off, it's important for me to make it known that I support the military. I don't necessarily agree with all their decisions, procedures and certainly not how they operate on a daily basis but, big picture wise, I support what they do. I'm thankful to live in a country where military efforts are primarily focused on making the world a safer and more-just place for individuals beyond our borders. It's a far from perfect system and I recognize that not all military efforts are altruistic but the bottom line is that we have a military that aims to promote peace, not sabotage it. Through wearing a poppy I want to show that I am in favor of our military and, particularly, of the men, women and their families who give up a great deal to serve our country and our world. As a military wife, seeing someone wearing a poppy makes me thankful that they acknowledge my husband's work, the sacrifice it takes and the people who have come before him in that role.

Related to this point, it's important to me that I wear a poppy for the veterans and their surviving family members who have been directly affected by war and loss. I am thankful it's not me who gets sent overseas and I'm thankful my husband safely returned from his tour in 2011 (wow, that long ago already?). But that's not everyone's story. I want to show my support and respect the families who loss something great so that our country and our world could be a better place. WWII has been over for decades but the legacy of the veterans and the depth of loss that was experienced is still very real today. The ripple effect of lives lost and lives changed through war goes on for generations, which is why remembering veterans of WWI and WWII, as long ago as they may have been, is still relevant.

Now, when it comes to the white poppy, I can't say I'm completely against the concept like some people who have very loudly expressed their opposition. I like peace! I mean, you'd have to be crazy not to. However, the idea that peace is the absence of war and therefore the absence of militaries, is not possible in our broken world. Fact is, people make mistakes and in so long as this is true, I believe we need authority in the form of government, police and, yes, military when human error, poor judgement and selfishness compromises peace. So, while I like the idea of a white poppy and promoting the idea of peace, I don't think it can be a stand alone statement. The white poppy represents what I desire for our world, while the red poppy represents our reality and those who have sacrificed in the pursuit of peace. While both these concepts are important to me year-round, I chose to wear a red poppy during this short season as a small act of expressing its value to me, and pursue the concept of the white poppy through my actions and interactions each day.

Now that I think of it, this is related to something I posted a few years ago. You can check that out here.

-S

Learning to Love Freckles

So freckly! I use to hate this picture just because of that fact. Thanks, Lynae, for the photo!

Hey there. It's been a while since we've just written a blog post for the fun of writing so here goes a shot at it after a long hiatus.

With the much anticipated arrival of spring, and soon summer, I have also welcomed the coming of more freckles to my growing collection. Anyone with freckles can likely testify that one's relationship with their freckles can be quite challenging. I'm happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I'm actually glad to see them flourish in the warm spring sun. It has been quite a long journey to this point that I'm going to recap for my freckled and non-freckled comrades alike.

Many years ago now, there was a time before freckles. Hard to believe now that they've taken up permanent residency on my face and have only exponentially multiplied since. At first it was strange but everyone seemed to be excited that there were brown spots spontaneously appearing on my nose. I was too little to care about what they looked like; more than anything I was perplexed by these strange spots gradually taking over my face. 

For a while they were fun and I didn't mind them, especially in that time before you start worrying what other people think when they look at you. Ever so gradually though I began to resent these ever-increasing spots that rudely appeared without my permission or control. I then started trying to control their spread with sunscreen, thinking that if I applied enough, there was no way the sun could coax more out of my otherwise pale skin. Wrong. 

Many people will remember the classic book, Freckle Juice by Judy Blume. Reading this book was a memorable day in my life because it gave me hope there was a cure! Strange that I held hope in a freckle cure while entirely understanding the fictional nature of this book. However, it planted the idea in my head that might be a way to rid myself of them indefinitely. Now, this is the point where non-freckled people will look perplexed and wonder why anyone would want to get rid of their precious freckles (or at least that's what it has felt like in the past). Here was my perspective at the time: there were brown dots, spots and splotches taking over my face at an overwhelmingly increasing rate. I no longer could remember what my face looked like as a "normal" colour, instead I was stuck looking like pale giraffe. The thought of regaining my "real" face back was a dream that had been sparked by Judy Blume. I set off to research the topic through the most high-tech means I had available at the time: the digital library catalogue at school. I mean, it was a huge step up from the index cards because I could directly put my query into the search bar. Awesome! The memory is a bit cloudy but I seem to remember learning about some sort of chemical compounds that could be applied to remove specific pigmentation from the skin. I didn't care if it permanent burned my skin, I wanted to be free of my freckles!!! 

Fast forward a decade later. My resentment had only increase along with the emergence of new, unwelcomed freckles. It didn't matter how many people told me they were "nice" or "cute", I could not appreciate them in the slightest. 

And then things changed. Honestly, it was probably when I married Josh because he makes it extremely well known how much he loves my freckles. In his mind they have always been an inseparable part of me and therefore he loves them just as much as he loves me (which is a lot!). It took a few years of hearing, on a regular basis, "I love your freckles! They are so beautiful!". After years of rejecting their value and appeal it took quite a while for those words to penetrate my skepticism. Josh has helped me see that if I don't love myself the way I am, the way that Josh loves me, then it's an insult to him because it says he's wrong in loving those things about me. I wouldn't say I'm overly enthusiastic about my freckles, especially while they're still a contributing factor to why people still mistake me for a teenager. However, I have the attitude of: if you can't beat them, join them!

I share this because, while this seems like a silly story of superficial beauty, it was a huge factor that negatively affected my self-image growing up and, today, I'm still shaking the roots of that off.  I'm confident I'm not alone in having those tiny physical "imperfections" (as I understood them to be) wreck havoc on my self-image, which then withers one's self-confidence. I'm so thankful to be at a point in life where I'm not concerned about what other people think about my appearance; there are so many other, authentically important, things in life that are more deserving of my attention and energy. It took a while to get there though. 

What ever your "freckles" are, I hope you can learn to appreciate them or at least neutrally tolerate them. What ever your kids, spouse, friend's "freckles" are, let them know that they're an awesome part of who that person is. What you look like outside doesn't determine or indicate who you are inside but it's a package deal so if you're going to love the person inside, you've got to love the unique package they came in. 

Here are a few classic moments for my freckle friends out there:
That moment when you wonder how you got dirt on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize that it's a freckle; a part of your face.

That moment when you fall asleep on the couch in the sun and wake up with half a face of brilliant freckles and the other half their same, dull colour. 

That moment when you cross your eyes and instead of seeing flesh-tone, you see a brown blob. That would be the freckles.

That moment when you go outside and it feels like your freckles are having a party in sunshine and you just know they're going to be three times darker by the time you go inside.

That moment when you wonder how you got chocolate on your face, start wiping it ferociously and then realize it's that same freckle you tried to wash away a few days ago.