Here's the (not-so) little guy telling me about how "bright" and "warm" the sun is. His vocabulary impresses us a daily basis!
Most people get 9ish months to prepare for the arrival of a baby. We got a few hours.
Most people start with a newborn who, for the most part, sticks to sleeping, crying, eating and pooping. We started off with an 8 month old who was teething ferociously, in the middle of a nasty cold and a whopping 22 pounds. (note: my upper body strength sky rocketed those first few weeks of toting around Little D but it was surprisingly painless!)
And while there are always adventures in discovering a little person's temperament, preferences and personality, most people know what their child has been exposed to and experienced from day one and have been significant in shaping that. We knew next to nothing about the little guy coming into our home: who he was, what he'd experience, what he needed as a unique individual from exceptional circumstances...
Needless to say, true to our Stauffer-style, we just don't do things like "most people"!
And while there are always adventures in discovering a little person's temperament, preferences and personality, most people know what their child has been exposed to and experienced from day one and have been significant in shaping that. We knew next to nothing about the little guy coming into our home: who he was, what he'd experience, what he needed as a unique individual from exceptional circumstances...
Needless to say, true to our Stauffer-style, we just don't do things like "most people"!
There is just so much I could share from what we've learned and experienced through having Little D in our home. Certainly lots of incredible moments but also many hardships and surprises that have left their bumps and bruises (and probably some scars too!), coming together to make this a beautifully difficult experience. If you'd like to hear a bit more of what this journey has been like, here are a few of the many things we have learned and experienced that have surprised us over the past year during life with Little D:
Kids are incredible in so many ways.
We are somewhat biased as proud caregivers of Little D but, man, he is one awesome guy! We are continually surprised and impressed by the things he learns and the person he is becoming. He has come so far over this past year and is absolutely thriving even in the face of some significant hardships. Sure we have helped this process along a bit but there's just an intrinsic element of awesomeness in this little guy that can't be quenched. Also, we couldn't have imagined how much we would gain from Little D simply in the process of loving and caring for him. Sometimes all it takes is one little smile, one silly exclamation, or one special snuggle and suddenly everything is right in the world and our hearts are filled. Even if just for a passing moment, this daily gift of joy we receive from Little D continues to amaze and humble us.
Side note: I really dislike saying "kids are so resilient" because I've heard it too many times as an explanation, or even an excuse, for why kids can go through anything and still be fine. We've seen Little D go through some pretty tough stuff, things that no one (not to mention someone so small!) should ever have to experience. Is he resilient through it all? Absolutely, in so many ways! However, resilient is not the same as unaffected. While resiliency may allow a child to continue moving forward through hardship, there is an injustice to mourn that they've endured such hardships in the first place.
Experiencing love in ways and in a depth we have never before known.
When we found out we were expecting our first baby in 2012 we experienced that instant love that comes when you realize you are a parent that there is a little extension of you in this world outside of yourself. It's mind blowing, amazing and terrifying all at the same time! In some ways loving Little D was very similar to this and in other ways was an entirely different but equally profound experience. He isn't our flesh and blood but we love him just as much as a biological child. No matter what happens in the long term, our love for him has taken permanent residence in our hearts and, because of this, he will always be part of our family.
Experiencing love in ways and in a depth we have never before known.
When we found out we were expecting our first baby in 2012 we experienced that instant love that comes when you realize you are a parent that there is a little extension of you in this world outside of yourself. It's mind blowing, amazing and terrifying all at the same time! In some ways loving Little D was very similar to this and in other ways was an entirely different but equally profound experience. He isn't our flesh and blood but we love him just as much as a biological child. No matter what happens in the long term, our love for him has taken permanent residence in our hearts and, because of this, he will always be part of our family.
Nothing could have prepared us for "The System"
We had exceptional training in terms of preparing for the parenting aspect of foster parenting but nothing could have truly prepared us for the wild ride of being part of the system. I won't go into too much detail but it's been incredibly difficult and this probably won't change. As we learn more (hello, baptism by fire!) and add to our experience there are aspects that become easier but the system as a whole is crazy and that's not likely to change. We just gear up for the crazy ride, hold on and prepare for the unknown, the unexpected and the sometimes totally unreasonable.
We had exceptional training in terms of preparing for the parenting aspect of foster parenting but nothing could have truly prepared us for the wild ride of being part of the system. I won't go into too much detail but it's been incredibly difficult and this probably won't change. As we learn more (hello, baptism by fire!) and add to our experience there are aspects that become easier but the system as a whole is crazy and that's not likely to change. We just gear up for the crazy ride, hold on and prepare for the unknown, the unexpected and the sometimes totally unreasonable.
The dysfunction of "The System" is just a symptom of the greater brokenness in our world.
I'll keep this brief but could easily rant about the dysfunction and injustice we have witnessed and personally experienced because it's been a lot. The symptoms of these huge issues include the perpetuation of trauma in the lives of children and families, the disconnect between caregivers and decision makers, the lack of support and the sheer fact that we live in a world where not all children are raised by their parents, whatever the reasons may be. In this journey we have seen, heard and experienced elements of human brokenness that instantly rip your heart to shreds and compel a desperate but unanswerable "why" from the depths of our beings. This comes as we have our own experiences in "the system" but also as we witness how it impacts Little D, his birth family and many people involved in the in-between. We weren't entirely naive to these things before but regularly experiencing them first hand brings a new perspective and awareness to the matter.
There's something special about togetherness.
Day to day I'm at home with Little D and we regularly have a grand time together spending most of the day laughing and playing and being silly goof balls. Apart from the expected fits and struggles of toddlerhood, there is nothing to suggest he is anything but completely content being at home with me. However, when Josh comes home it's like things become complete for him, as if there was something missing that has now come together. I can't quite describe what the shift is but something changes and he just settles into this place of total contented peace where everything is right in the world because the three of us are together. We also see the other side of this where Little D misses the togetherness of being with his birth mom and having the experience of having all of his caregivers together with him. In these exceptional circumstances, it's a difficult but really amazing thing to be part of making this little guy's world complete!
I'll keep this brief but could easily rant about the dysfunction and injustice we have witnessed and personally experienced because it's been a lot. The symptoms of these huge issues include the perpetuation of trauma in the lives of children and families, the disconnect between caregivers and decision makers, the lack of support and the sheer fact that we live in a world where not all children are raised by their parents, whatever the reasons may be. In this journey we have seen, heard and experienced elements of human brokenness that instantly rip your heart to shreds and compel a desperate but unanswerable "why" from the depths of our beings. This comes as we have our own experiences in "the system" but also as we witness how it impacts Little D, his birth family and many people involved in the in-between. We weren't entirely naive to these things before but regularly experiencing them first hand brings a new perspective and awareness to the matter.
There's something special about togetherness.
Day to day I'm at home with Little D and we regularly have a grand time together spending most of the day laughing and playing and being silly goof balls. Apart from the expected fits and struggles of toddlerhood, there is nothing to suggest he is anything but completely content being at home with me. However, when Josh comes home it's like things become complete for him, as if there was something missing that has now come together. I can't quite describe what the shift is but something changes and he just settles into this place of total contented peace where everything is right in the world because the three of us are together. We also see the other side of this where Little D misses the togetherness of being with his birth mom and having the experience of having all of his caregivers together with him. In these exceptional circumstances, it's a difficult but really amazing thing to be part of making this little guy's world complete!
No matter what we go through, it's worth it. Love is always worth it.
There are days I have doubted our decision to do what we do. We voluntarily put ourselves through what sometimes feels like complete insanity and get pushed to breaking point (and occasionally even past that...), and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? What's worse is that there is no end in sight, there is no good solution, no resolution and it seems like we're on a hamster wheel going nowhere. However, we stay on this crazy ride because loving him is worth it. That is unquestionable and unchangable. It also helps that he's a super easy kid to love, not to mention amazingly adorable (oh how I wish we could show you a picture of this cutie! He is one handsome dude.).
There are days I have doubted our decision to do what we do. We voluntarily put ourselves through what sometimes feels like complete insanity and get pushed to breaking point (and occasionally even past that...), and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? What's worse is that there is no end in sight, there is no good solution, no resolution and it seems like we're on a hamster wheel going nowhere. However, we stay on this crazy ride because loving him is worth it. That is unquestionable and unchangable. It also helps that he's a super easy kid to love, not to mention amazingly adorable (oh how I wish we could show you a picture of this cutie! He is one handsome dude.).
In terms of where we are at in "the process" of fostering, the plan is still to work towards returning Little D to his birth mom full time. There is a complex legal system guiding this process, which is continuing to offer his birth mom every opportunity to do what needs to be done so she can be with Little D full time in the long term. The timeline and dates seem to constantly change but we anticipate there will be a permanent decision made one way or the other some time within the next year; could be more, could be less. If, at the end of this somewhat undefined timeline, it's decided that returning Little D to his birth mom isn't going to work out for the long term then the process of seeking a permanent placement (essentially, adoption) would begin. This is yet another complex system unto itself and it could take years before it's determined where Little D's long term home would be, either staying in our home or moving in with extended biological family. Really, anything can happen! For now though, he's here with us the majority of the time and gets to spend time with his birth mom as much as circumstances allow.
I'm assuming that many of you reading this have journeyed with us in this past year in some capacity, getting some special insight into the the drastic highs and lows of foster parenting and the wild ride we've been on over these 365 days. Thank you for your part in our journey, for whatever time and in whatever capacity that may be: encouragement, support, babysitting, a listening ear, advice giving, prayers, and just being a friend to us. Parenting is a crazy adventure unto itself but fostering adds some very...interesting...elements that have challenged us in ways we couldn't have even imagined and there is no way we could have made it through this year alone.
As a random aside note in response to something we get asked quite a lot, in case you're interested in what Little D calls us, he refers to us as Mama Sam and Papa Josh (or sometimes just Mama/Papa or Sam/Josh depending on how sassy he feels!). He calls his birth mom Mommy and birth dad isn't in the picture at all so he really doesn't have an understanding of the word, "Dad/Daddy". We figured we needed something he could call us that spoke to our meaningful relationship while allowing him to understand the role of his birth mom AND something we would feel comfortable having future foster children or bio-kids calling us. It sometimes gets confusing when other people talk to him since mama and papa aren't commonly used these days but this little guy is sure clever and usually figures out who is being referred to.
As a random aside note in response to something we get asked quite a lot, in case you're interested in what Little D calls us, he refers to us as Mama Sam and Papa Josh (or sometimes just Mama/Papa or Sam/Josh depending on how sassy he feels!). He calls his birth mom Mommy and birth dad isn't in the picture at all so he really doesn't have an understanding of the word, "Dad/Daddy". We figured we needed something he could call us that spoke to our meaningful relationship while allowing him to understand the role of his birth mom AND something we would feel comfortable having future foster children or bio-kids calling us. It sometimes gets confusing when other people talk to him since mama and papa aren't commonly used these days but this little guy is sure clever and usually figures out who is being referred to.
