A Little, Big Announcement

Two more tiny feet around The Stauffer house!

I can't count the number of times we have thought of writing this post but just never got to it. It wasn't forgetfulness of from lack of time; there's just so much to say and we didn't know where to start, how much to share, and if we even felt ready to make such a long, difficult journey public when it was still a daily reality for us. Even as I write this now I know I'm not going to come close to saying all that can be said about what the past year has been like for us, not to mention the years of hardship, loss, struggle and pain that are all part of the story in which we are writing a new chapter. What we want to share with you is messy and complex and includes a whole lot of goodness that has come about through a great deal of challenge.

And with that, let's start with some of the goodness:
We had a baby! In fact, yesterday marked the first due date which we can celebrate instead of mourn, which is a gift we often questioned we would ever get to experience. Felix Jonathan Stauffer was born on March 26th at 12:04pm weighing 6lb 14 oz and measuring 20.5 inches. It was a difficult pregnancy so we were thrilled he decided to arrive slightly earlier than his due date but in excellent health and with good measurements (especially considering how sick I had been and how small my baby-growing belly was)! Our home birth was healthy but quite intense (3.5 hours start to finish!) and there was an issue afterwards that resulted in an ambulance trip to the hospital and short stay so I could be monitored for a while to make sure things were ok. Otherwise, the little guy has been doing awesome and wasted no time bulking up from his birth weight and accomplishing all those important baby things - eating, sleeping and pooping!

Here's the little guy at 5 days old and just full of smiles.  We love it! 

If you're reading this and are completely shocked that we had a baby or that we were even expecting in the first place, you are not alone! Because of a few different factors, we kept our news quiet for quite some time and then just didn't get many opportunities to share the news in person since the majority of the pregnancy was spent with me either in bed or on the couch. This pregnancy was tough right from the very beginning so we kept putting off sharing our news until we knew the baby was alright but also until I felt well enough to share the news with genuine excitement and joy. Honestly, although we were incredibly grateful for this precious gift of life, it was unbelievably hard for me to excitedly share this journey with others because I just felt awful, day in and out. I won't go into details but the issue was a collection of odd but still normal pregnancy problems that were, 1. on the "more severe than normal" end of the spectrum, and 2. happening simultaneously, which resulted in almost constant pain throughout my body. During the 38 weeks I was pregnant, there were maybe 2 weeks altogether of scattered days were where I felt close to functional. All the other days were spent just coping and getting through, hoping tomorrow would be better. The days, weeks and months were both physically exhausting (for Josh too as he became full time house-husband during any waking hour not spent at work) and mentally/emotionally taxing as we struggled through dealing with the pain. After countless trips to doctors and specialists, alternative medicine practitioners and even the ER a few times, we came to the conclusion that we just needed to do whatever we could to survive, not losing hope things were going to get better, but confronting the reality that things were just not getting better. After realizing there was nothing more we could do to alleviate the physical difficulties, I started going to counselling as a way of managing my pain and working through the complex emotions I was experiencing . There were fleeting moments on those rare good days when we wanted to share our happy news but usually ended up postponing any kind of big announcements so we could savor the goodness of the moment and attempt to rejuvenate  our weary hearts. In the end, the pregnancy progressively got more challenging and painful, or perhaps it plateaued but we were so exhausted and worn by that point it just felt like the difficulty kept building. We spent most of the last 8 months close to home and much more anti-social than usual because we were in constant survival mode and every activity came at an increasing cost to our already limited energy and my rapidly depleting capabilities. Throw into this mix the difficulties of foster parenting, the dynamics of experiencing pregnancy after loss and a few other general life challenges, and that kind of sums up what we've gone through the last year.

And now, with the arrival of Felix, we begin a new chapter! Most of my pregnancy-related pain is now gone and, once the post-partum craziness settles down, we look forward to me operating from a functional state once again. We don't completely understand why, especially after all we've gone through leading up to this point, this pregnancy was so incredibly difficult but we are choosing to recognize what we have gained and how we have grown through it. This is a lot easier to do now that we have emerged on the other side!

His birth has also brought closure to our journey of infertility and pregnancy loss. These things will always be part of story and will continue to shape us moving forward but now it feels like the brokenness  has come full circle as the pain we endured brought about such an amazing gift. If it wasn't for the babies we had lost, we wouldn't have Little D and we wouldn't have Felix. We wish there was a way to have all our babies with us but, because that's not possible, we make an extra effort to treasure the ones we have been given, knowing that it came at the cost of the ones who came before.

One last thing I want to share with you is the meaning of Felix's name. We picked his first name on the day we found out we were expecting a boy. We didn't want to be the parents who settled on just one name long before even meeting the baby so we did up a decent list of name options. However, Felix instantly stood out to both of us and we could hardly help ourselves from using it when referring to our baby. We think it's an all-round awesome name but we especially value it's meaning in light of what the pregnancy was like and what we hope for our child in the years to come. Felix means "happiness" or "happy one". This pregnancy was far from happy; in fact, happiness was something we had to battle for each day as we struggled just to get through. During most of the pregnancy I grieved the reality that I was not happy about being pregnant and struggled to even be happy about the baby growing inside me; grateful, yes, but happy, often not. With this in mind we chose the name Felix with a prophetic purpose: happiness might not have been what we were experiencing  but it is undoubtedly  what we desire for our child and the life waiting ahead of him. Also, as Felix moved and squirmed inside of me, I got a sense of contentment from him and the word "happiness" just felt fitting. It's incredible to see just how appropriate this name is for him now that we watch and experience him in "the real world"; he really is a happy baby and one of our favorite things is to watch his many, many smiles (some gas-induced but also many spontaneous ones, especially when we talk with him or stroke his face) and even some adorable giggle fits! We look forward to seeing how he continues to grow into the meaning of his name as we hope and pray happiness over him and his future.

His middle name, Jonathan, was also chosen for its meaning: "Jehovah/God has given", or "Gift from God". Felix himself is an incredible gift (not to mention super adorable!) but we have also been given much already through him, even before the day we first held him in our arms. Through the hardships of this pregnancy Josh and I have grown strong as a team. It didn't come easy or quickly but through the months of physical hardship we have learned how to work together and gained a deeper appreciation for one another. I can't even describe how much Josh has done for our family over these months. It's been incredible to see him grow as a husband and father, stepping into these roles in ways that amaze and impress me. As he has taken on more roles, Josh has also gained an appreciation for the things I use to do on a regular basis around the house and with Little D. Growing in our relationship and marriage in this way is a valuable gift to us and our kiddos! Although it's been incredibly hard work, we have really enjoyed this season of working together and deepening our appreciation for one another.
Living in survival mode also helped us slow down and really focus on the day-to-day, soaking in the goodness to be had in each moment. From my headquarters set up on the couch or bed I  was able to spend intentional, focused time with Little D and just value the silly, special moments with him each day. I had to get creative in finding ways to engage him while being physically limited but it was worth the effort because I could say that I genuinely had fun with him nearly every day and I'm certain he was too! Had I not been so laid up, we would have likely been busy being out and about, visiting friends, doing different programming and activities in the community, etc. Those are all good things but in the hustle of the coming and going I often lose sight of being present in the moment and savoring the simple, special moments that happen throughout the day. Living one day at a time and moving at a slower pace helped our family find joy in the ordinary and value in simplicity.
In the challenges of the last year we were also given incredible gifts from friends and family that were so meaningful to us and blessed us richly. People came around us to help with work around the house, taking care of Little D, shopping trips and errands, cooking food for us, and the list goes on! We were, and continue to be, overwhelmed by the generosity of people in our lives and their expression of love and care for us through providing for us in practical ways and supporting us emotionally in this journey. I honestly don't know what would have happened if it wasn't for the help others. Receiving from our friends and family in this way is an invaluable gift, one that we look forward to returning once we get our feet back under ourselves! To everyone who has helped us in any way, we hope we have already let you know how appreciated and value you are but, once again, thank you!!

So, in case you were wondering what on earth happened to The Stauffers over the last several months, now you know! Going forward we are excited for four months together while Josh goes on paternity leave; a much needed break and opportunity for quality time together after a really intense past year! We also look forward to seeing more of our friends and family again now that I'm becoming more able to get out of bed and out of the house more often. This pregnancy sure changed our life rhythm for a time but we are excited to get back into our groove, having gained some valueable  experience and learnings, plus a super awesome baby boy!

In case you're one of those people who love baby bumps,  here's out tiny guy the day before he was born. 

A Year With Little D

Here's the (not-so) little guy telling me about how "bright" and "warm" the sun is. His vocabulary impresses us a daily basis!

This week in our home we celebrated a type of birthday. Or maybe it's more like an anniversary. This week marks one year from when Little D joined our family. In ways it's hard to believe it's been an entire year but at the same time it feels like a very full year, packed with growth and learnings and a whole lot of life and parenting experience!

Most people get 9ish months to prepare for the arrival of a baby. We got a few hours. 

Most people start with a newborn who, for the most part, sticks to sleeping, crying, eating and pooping. We started off with an 8 month old who was teething ferociously, in the middle of a nasty cold and a whopping 22 pounds. (note: my upper body strength sky rocketed those first few weeks of toting around Little D but it was surprisingly painless!)
And while there are always adventures in discovering a little person's temperament, preferences and personality, most people know what their child has been exposed to and experienced from day one and have been significant in shaping that. We knew next to nothing about the little guy coming into our home: who he was, what he'd experience, what he needed as a unique individual from exceptional circumstances...
Needless to say, true to our Stauffer-style, we just don't do things like "most people"!

There is just so much I could share from what we've learned and experienced through having Little D in our home. Certainly lots of incredible moments but also many hardships and surprises that have left their bumps and bruises (and probably some scars too!), coming together to make this a beautifully difficult experience. If you'd like to hear a bit more of what this journey has been like, here are a few of the many things we have learned and experienced that have surprised us over the past year during life with Little D:

Kids are incredible in so many ways.
We are somewhat biased as proud caregivers of Little D but, man, he is one awesome guy! We are continually surprised and impressed by the things he learns and the person he is becoming. He has come so far over this past year and is absolutely thriving even in the face of some significant hardships. Sure we have helped this process along a bit but there's just an intrinsic element of awesomeness in this little guy that can't be quenched. Also, we couldn't have imagined how much we would gain from Little D simply in the process of loving and caring for him. Sometimes all it takes is one little smile, one silly exclamation, or one special snuggle and suddenly everything is right in the world and our hearts are filled. Even if just for a passing moment, this daily gift of joy we receive from Little D continues to amaze and humble us. 

Side note: I really dislike saying "kids are so resilient" because I've heard it too many times as an explanation, or even an excuse, for why kids can go through anything and still be fine. We've seen Little D go through some pretty tough stuff, things that no one (not to mention someone so small!) should ever have to experience. Is he resilient through it all? Absolutely, in so many ways! However, resilient is not the same as unaffected. While resiliency may allow a child to continue moving forward through hardship, there is an injustice to mourn that they've endured such hardships in the first place.

Experiencing love in ways and in a depth we have never before known.
When we found out we were expecting our first baby in 2012 we experienced that instant love that comes when you realize you are a parent that there is a little extension of you in this world outside of yourself. It's mind blowing, amazing and terrifying all at the same time! In some ways loving Little D was very similar to this and in other ways was an entirely different but equally profound experience. He isn't our flesh and blood but we love him just as much as a biological child. No matter what happens in the long term, our love for him has taken permanent residence in our hearts and, because of this, he will always be part of our family.

Nothing could have prepared us for "The System"
We had exceptional training in terms of preparing for the parenting aspect of foster parenting but nothing could have truly prepared us for the wild ride of being part of the system. I won't go into too much detail but it's been incredibly difficult and this probably won't change. As we learn more (hello, baptism by fire!) and add to our experience there are aspects that become easier but the system as a whole is crazy and that's not likely to change. We just gear up for the crazy ride, hold on and prepare for the unknown, the unexpected and the sometimes totally unreasonable.

The dysfunction of "The System" is just a symptom of the greater brokenness in our world.
I'll keep this brief but could easily rant about the dysfunction and injustice we have witnessed and personally experienced because it's been a lot. The symptoms of these huge issues include the perpetuation of trauma in the lives of children and families, the disconnect between caregivers and decision makers, the lack of support and the sheer fact that we live in a world where not all children are raised by their parents, whatever the reasons may be. In this journey we have seen, heard and experienced elements of human brokenness that instantly rip your heart to shreds and compel a desperate but unanswerable "why" from the depths of our beings. This comes as we have our own experiences in "the system" but also as we witness how it impacts Little D, his birth family and many people involved in the in-between. We weren't entirely naive to these things before but regularly experiencing them first hand brings a new perspective and awareness to the matter.

There's something special about togetherness.
Day to day I'm at home with Little D and we regularly have a grand time together spending most of the day laughing and playing and being silly goof balls. Apart from the expected fits and struggles of toddlerhood, there is nothing to suggest he is anything but completely content being at home with me. However, when Josh comes home it's like things become complete for him, as if there was something missing that has now come together. I can't quite describe what the shift is but something changes and he just settles into this place of total contented peace where everything is right in the world because the three of us are together. We also see the other side of this where Little D misses the togetherness of being with his birth mom and having the experience of having all of his caregivers together with him. In these exceptional circumstances, it's a difficult but really amazing thing to be part of making this little guy's world complete!

No matter what we go through, it's worth it. Love is always worth it.
There are days I have doubted our decision to do what we do. We voluntarily put ourselves through what sometimes feels like complete insanity and get pushed to breaking point (and occasionally even past that...), and for what? To do it all again tomorrow? What's worse is that there is no end in sight, there is no good solution, no resolution and it seems like we're on a hamster wheel going nowhere. However, we stay on this crazy ride because loving him is worth it. That is unquestionable and unchangable. It also helps that he's a super easy kid to love, not to mention amazingly adorable (oh how I wish we could show you a picture of this cutie! He is one handsome dude.).

In terms of where we are at in "the process" of fostering, the plan is still to work towards returning Little D to his birth mom full time. There is a complex legal system guiding this process, which is continuing to offer his birth mom every opportunity to do what needs to be done so she can be with Little D full time in the long term. The timeline and dates seem to constantly change but we anticipate there will be a permanent decision made one way or the other some time within the next year; could be more, could be less. If, at the end of this somewhat undefined timeline, it's decided that returning Little D to his birth mom isn't going to work out for the long term then the process of seeking a permanent placement (essentially, adoption) would begin. This is yet another complex system unto itself and it could take years before it's determined where Little D's long term home would be, either staying in our home or moving in with extended biological family. Really, anything can happen! For now though, he's here with us the majority of the time and gets to spend time with his birth mom as much as circumstances allow.

I'm assuming that many of you reading this have journeyed with us in this past year in some capacity, getting some special insight into the the drastic highs and lows of foster parenting and the wild ride we've been on over these 365 days. Thank you for your part in our journey, for whatever time and in whatever capacity that may be: encouragement, support, babysitting, a listening ear, advice giving, prayers, and just being a friend to us. Parenting is a crazy adventure unto itself but fostering adds some very...interesting...elements that have challenged us in ways we couldn't have even imagined and there is no way we could have made it through this year alone.

As a random aside note in response to something we get asked quite a lot, in case you're interested in what Little D calls us, he refers to us as Mama Sam and Papa Josh (or sometimes just Mama/Papa or Sam/Josh depending on how sassy he feels!). He calls his birth mom Mommy and birth dad isn't in the picture at all so he really doesn't have an understanding of the word, "Dad/Daddy". We figured we needed something he could call us that spoke to our meaningful relationship while allowing him to understand the role of his birth mom AND something we would feel comfortable having future foster children or bio-kids calling us. It sometimes gets confusing when other people talk to him since mama and papa aren't commonly used these days but this little guy is sure clever and usually figures out who is being referred to.