The Day Everything Changed.

Photo Credit: LaPrimaDonna (Creative Commons)

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned that the weeks and months have gone by so quickly. I honestly couldn't relate to this feeling because, for me, this past year has seem to go by excruciatingly slowly. When days are filled with grief, pain, hardships, and a whole lot of personal growth, time doesn't rapidly turn into weeks and months; rather, it gets broken down into hours and minutes that seem like they will last forever. This is what much of the past year has been like for us.

A year ago today marks the day that everything in our world changed. In a moment we went from being expectant parents to being childless parents. From a couple with the greatest hopes and dreams for our baby, to a couple forced to accept that we would never see any of these come to fruition. From knowing the joy of new life growing within, to experiencing that same life being so quickly and involuntarily taken away. Since the loss of our first baby, we have experienced a subsequent pregnancy loss along with the disappointment of being denied approval as a foster care home after months of being highly invested and advanced in the process.

If it was up to me, this wouldn't have been how things unfolded. It's hard to believe that a year later now, we are still childless parents. This is certainly not a role you expect to find yourself in when you think of starting a family! However, this is our reality, it is part of our story and, regretfully, there is nothing we can do to go back and re-write it. What we have been able to do is determine how we allow it to shape the parts of our story that have yet to unfold. If you'd allow me, I'd like to share just a few of the many things we have learned through this journey.

The saying "you won't be given more than you can handle" is a lie. 

I guess it depends on how you define "handle". There have been moments where the only evidence of me being able to "handle" things was simply the fact I was still alive. Beyond that, it was as if every part of me inside was completely ripped apart because, the reality was, it was more than I could handle. When the pain seems unending and the notion of hope seems unreachable, this unfounded promise provides little comfort. What I found more helpful was to know that this kind of heart-wrenching pain and deadness of spirit is a real experience that needs to run its course. There is value in not only affirming the current experience (as awful as it might be) but also partnering that with the hope that it won't always be like this.

This experience has made me a better parent

This is a weird concept especially considering that we don't have any kids to parent at this time. However, I know that through this experience we have gained skills and understanding that will make us better parents when the time does come. We will not only value the lives of our future babies that much more because of this, but we have also grown individually and as a couple in huge ways that will contribute positively to the lives of our children. We certainly would have done a decent job without having gone through this experience but we now have skills and knowledge that we could not have gained any other way. In particular, we have learned that being a parent isn't about bringing fulfillment to us. We wouldn't have reflected on this concept if we hadn't been challenged through this specific journey. I believe that if I can't be happy without a baby, I'm not going to be happy just because I have a baby. This journey has given us the chance to look within ourselves and get centered first so that we truly be fulfilled individuals that can then offer wholeness to our future children. We never expected a baby to fulfill us or to complete our lives but in our decision making after each loss, we have had to honestly question our motives: do we just want to have a baby to make us feel better and fulfilled or do we want to have a baby because we have prepared a healthy environment for them to thrive in? In no way have we arrived at the pinnacle of everything we have to offer as parents, but I do recognize that we have gained a lot in this experience that I am thankful we can now offer to our future children.

Grief and loss is a journey that you have to go through

What I mean by this is there is no short-cut, easy way to experience grief and loss. Unless you fully journey through it, in all the misery and pain that includes, you are losing out on the one positive thing that can come from an otherwise awful experience. I have seen it's possible to do whatever it takes to put it behind you and just "get over it" but I don't actually believe this accomplishes anything other than allowing things to compound in the background over time.

It's ok to be sad

This sounds obvious when it's put like that but I challenge you to consider how you might have suggested otherwise to someone, or to yourself, in the midst of grief. Sometimes sadness gets mistaken for weakness, emotional unhealthiness, just overall not dealing with things well (whatever that means...), etc. If I show sadness it's because what I have gone through is sad. And guess what, a year later, it's still sad! How can losing a child ever not stop being sad? That's why tears occasionally trickle down my cheeks while I write this, or why seeing a new mom hold their baby evokes a pain inside as I remember I don't get to hold mine, or why I tear up a little bit when people ask when we're going to have kids. These are not at all a reflection of how I'm doing, my strength, or ability in dealing with what I've experienced. It is however a reflection that I have and am dealing with these losses because I am confronting the reality that it is, in fact, sad. These sad moments use to hit me like a train over and over again every single day. Now, they are less severe but are none the lest part of my regular experience and I expect they always will be. I've heard that losing someone is like having a limb amputated. You might go for longer periods where it goes unnoticed because it's become your new normal but there will always be moments when you are aware of the loss. My own pride and a fear of being perceived as weak are reasons why I won't always show the sadness on the outside. However, it's also because I worry others will misunderstand my sadness for something negative when, in reality, it's an important part of me being in a healthy place!

Theses are just a few of the many things that I could share with you about what I have taken away from what we have experienced in the past year. You don't have to agree with all of them but maybe it helps you understand a bit of what we have walked through. If you ever want to hear more, we are always open to sharing if it would be of value to you.

When I was a kid, I thought things could only get easier. I had no idea how hard life could be and, even after going through all this, I'm still surprised at how difficult it can be! However, I can testify to the fact that hardship is just for a season and that there is hope in the end. It is that hope that we keep holding on to and that hope you are able to hold to in the midst of great challenges.